By Beauty Damned

Clean House

What a beautiful Sunday...

As usual, my backpain served as my alarm clock this morning, but so far that is the most unpleasant thing that I intend to have happen today.

I wandered into my living room and felt a rush of happiness at the still new sight of a house that is orderly and composed of furniture and feng shui that doesn't make me want to commit hari kari. I know that's dramatic and harsh, but you really have to know how I used to feel about my living room when I got up and walked into it. I despise chaos, and that was as close to clutter and chaos as I've ever allowed myself to live in. I was constantly preoccupied by all of the things I wanted to do to it and all the deep organization that needed to be done, which somehow rendered me unproductive on so many levels. The feng shui was killing me and it was killing my creativity.

Since my boyfriend moved in with me after more than four years of dating, my house exploded with his things and my things, and nothing seemed to have a place anymore - actually, it's always been that way, it just got worse. There didn't seem to be any real sense of comfort in our surroundings, and as a slightly anal retentive Virgo it drove me absolutely nuts thinking about the randomness of it all.

Not anymore. I have purged my home of an unbelievable amount of unneeded junk, reorganized closets and made more room for Rob and his things. Yesterday I built a bookcase one piece at a time and cleaned my floors with the intensity of a serious workout. I worked all day until finally collapsing onto my sofa at midnight with a glass of wine. As I lifted the glass to my lips, I glanced into the mirror and saw that I had built up some impressive muscle tone in my arms, which only added to the sense of extreme satisfaction coursing through my veins. This has taken place over the the past two weeks, during which I have exerted a great deal of physical energy around the house. There is still lots to be done, but I feel like I have climbed a steep incline to reach this current point of near contentment. That is, before the next one comes into view...

There is nothing like cleansing your life of unneeded junk, whether it is physical or emotional.

Years ago, when Darcie's VW bus burned to a heap on I-5 when we were but wee teenagers, I was forced to let go of so many things that held value to me, as they transformed into nothing more than a cloud of black smoke against the newborn sky. Since then I've become better at getting rid of things in some ways, and worse in others. I've learned that everything, EVERYTHING, is impermanent. We come into this life with this body and that is what we leave it with. So I've gotten really good at getting rid of clothes. Hahaa!

On the other hand, I've become more of a pakrat about paper than ever before. If I scribble a thought on a piece of paper, or receive a note on the fridge from Rob, I save it. Terrible habit. I also save anything and everything that I think I might use in an art project; cardboard, fabric, tissue paper...even junkie pieces of furniture that I might paint or collage. On top of all that, I don't know how it is that a house becomes so completely overrun by small items that seem to have no particular category and don't seem to be in any state of use, yet I still cannot fathom throwing them out. There are more chargers and adapters in this house than I can think of appliances that they might go to. But I know the moment I get rid of one, I will find out what it goes to. So I must have a place where adapters and chargers are kept. This is a hazard of the technological era people. Every time I turn around I find a wireless headset or a cable of some kind. Then there are the buttons. Ai carumba, the buttons. It seems like an extra button comes with every piece of clothing purchased. Next thing you know, they'll be enclosing new soles with every pair of shoes and a new backside for every pair of underpants and you'll have to find a place to put those things too.

Luckily, if there is one thing that I've learned from all of the home makeover shows I've watched, it is that with the right organizational accoutrements, you can create a place for everything. So that has been my goal of late: to create a place for everything and to get rid of that which no longer has a place in my life at all. It's so easy to just allow shit to accumulate in our lives at a rate that makes it difficult to manage. Especially here in America, we are a society that never slows down its consumption. The influx of junkmail, techie devices, books, cds, dvds, clothes, lip glosses, fortune cookies/duck sauce from Chinese takeout, and BUTTONS, is insane. We must take control of the clutter! I have recently acquired the phone number for a local church that will soon be coming to cart away items that I no longer use such as blankets, coats, shoes and clothing...there's no better time to clean out the closet than when the weather is warm and you're in a giving mood.

Raw

I flipped on the coffeemaker and popped in a mix cd that I found during the course of my cleaning. It's one that Darcie made me a couple of years ago. Every cd she's ever made for me is fucking epic. There's no other way to say it. She has a knack for making mix cds that take you to another place completely.

The second song on the cd is "Bette Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes. I didn't realize how that song was made absolutely immortal in my mind the last time I saw Darcie. Howard had just made his exit from the world of the living a few days earlier. We were all in Portland mourning his loss. It was my last night there in Portland and the lot of us went out to sing Karaoke and throw back some drinks at a place called Yen Ha. Speaking of epic, that night definitely qualified.

While Kathleen navigated through the dark waters of a grief that still feels absolutely unreal, it all came to the surface while Darcie belted out the words and the tune to Bette Davis Eyes with a knowingness and confidence that we all love so much about her. Kathleen's tears fell deftly as the lyrics pierced her heart like tiny arrows filled with the sting of total loss. In particular, I recall the exact moment when Kathleen was hit by the weight of her sorrow, when Darcie sang the words: "She's got Greta Garbo stand off sighs." Kathleen's father was a big fan of Greta Garbo and he was a part of the era that the song is written about.

This morning, when that song played, I felt like I'd rubbed a magic lamp and instead of a genie emerging, it was a memory and a sadness that instantly consumed me. I felt transported. I tried to rationalize with myself that I was just feeling emotional because I'd just woken up, but that didn't stop the tears from pushing their way through. I stood in my kitchen pouring my coffee while my eyes poured out salty tears. With every verse I thought of that moment like it was yesterday. How Charles took Kathleen into his arms and held her tenderly in her moment of soul-shaking collapse. How Darcie continued to sing the song, oblivious to the moment playing out between Kathleen and Charles. How I sat there looking on. At Darcie. At Kathleen. At Charles. At the memory of a man whose time ran out.

Her hair is Harlowe gold
Her lips sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold
She's got Bette Davis eyes
She'll turn her music on you
You won't have to think twice
She's pure as New York snow
She got Bette Davis eyes

And she'll tease you
She'll unease you
All the better just to please you
She's precocious and she knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
She's got Greta Garbo stand off sighs
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll let you take her home
It whets her appetite
She'll lay you on her throne
She got Bette Davis eyes
She'll take a tumble on you
Roll you like you were dice
Until you come out blue
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll expose you, when she snows you
Off your feet with the crumbs she throws you
She's ferocious and she knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
All the boys think she's a spy
She's got Bette Davis eyes

And she'll tease you
She'll unease you
All the better just to please ya
She's precocious, and she knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
All the boys think she's a spy
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll tease you
She'll unease you
Just to please ya
She's got Bette Davis eyes
She'll expose you, when she snows you
She knows ya
She's got Bette Davis eyes

Maybe...

This came in an email forward from a friend:

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Hahahaaaa. Sorry, I just had to share that image with ya'll.

Rabid Scrutiny

I think that the media and the public are being really hard on this girl. TOO hard.

Let me preface this by saying that I despise the NY Post with every ounce of my being and always have. You know what I despise about the NY Post? How they convey disdain and disapproval towards their subjects. How they are on the highest imaginable horse with respect to every issue. They do this in subtle ways, such as referring to Britney as "Pop Tart" and "Ritz Ditz" in their recent coverage of her "baby scandal!" Not only must they publicly chide her parenting skills, but they also must degrade her as a human being. I think enough is enough. There's a line between playful public ribbing and blatant cruelty. I think our society often crosses into the latter category quite seamlessly, while the Post actually just lives there.

Look, she should never have driven her car with her baby in her lap and she should strap her baby in properly so that he doesn't die in a car wreck, but is it fair to hammer the poor woman with bad publicity and stern judgment with respect to every single move she makes? Everyone makes mistakes. Some are worse than others. But ultimately I think that every mother struggles with whether or not she is doing the best job possible. I think that any mother who you asked who was being honest would say there has been at least one instance during child rearing where they feel they have fucked up or experience some level of guilt about their adequacy as a parent.

My mother dropped me on my face when I was a baby. We lived out on "the land" when I was tiny, just about a year old. She was carrying laundry in a basket down a path, and she had me perched in the laundry basket. She stumbled and the basket and me went flying and I landed face down on a rock. My baby teeth were heavily damaged and this is an incident that has caused dental issues for me my whole life. I had to have a root canal at 11 years old and I have had veneers on my two front teeth my entire life.

I can only imagine how she must have cried that day. I can only imagine how scared and horrified she must have been. I can only imagine the guilt my mother has had to experience over that incident for years afterwards. (Not to mention kicking herself because she's had to pay every dental bill I've ever incurred.) Now I imagine if my mother were splashed on the cover of every newspaper and proclaimed to be unfit and irresponsible by an - ironically - unfit and irresponsible media, and a nation of degenerates, assholes and other mothers who probably aren't actually doing a much better job of raising their own kids.

Could Britney work on making sure that her kid is safe when riding in her automobile? Sure. Could everyone on earth who has kids be a better parent in one way or another? Probably. Do we need to verbally beat the woman about the neck every other day, every time her child scrapes his knee or bumps his head? Every time she falters...?

It's fucked up, people. Thou who hath not sinned or stumbled...

Shiit, It Put a Smile On My Face

The new furniture came today. I knew some fiasco would arise, since as far as I can recollect, furniture is never delivered without a hassle of some kind. Today was no exception. The other thing I recollect is that it's always worth it once the stuff is finally in the house and all the problems have been resolved.

And boyyyy, is it worth it. I am in love with having an abundance of unbelievably comfortable living room seating. I watch those home makeover shows sometimes and think, god what it would be like to know that once the camera crews and the annoying host are gone, you get to live there. I feel that way right now. I get to have this. I paid for this and it's mine and no one can take it away from me. Leaving my living room to come into the office and get on the computer was difficult. I could have stayed there on that big spacious leather sofa all night, or even in the big easy chair with my feet up on the ottoman flipping through a magazine. It is a level of comfort I've never experienced since moving to this apartment. I always had my little Ikea loveseat and lots of chairs. Nothing like big sprawling leather plateaus inviting me to kick my feet up and lounge around and be as lazy and comfortable as I want to be. (I can't tell you how uncomfortable it was.)

Last night when we moved the little Ikea loveseat out to the street to be picked up, I went out and sat with it for awhile. I didn't want to hate on it. I didn't want to be mad at it when I said goodbye. So I went out there and sat on it and sipped my beer and enjoyed the cool spring night. The couch was on its side, so I sat on a part of it that I'd never sat on before. The part where your heels normally rest that's not meant to be sat on. It was comfortable. I could swing my legs from there. I patted it kindly and said goodbye and took a walk up the street to find a sign that I'd seen earlier for a flea market that's going on this weekend in my neighborhood. Walking back I stopped to chat with my neighbor who was out walking her dog. She's a nice older lady. We talked about how much we love it here. It was kind of cheesy, but we both looked up at the sky and took a big breath of Brooklyn and agreed that we live on the best block in the best borough. Brooklyn has a bad name for being rough and tumble, like any borough in New York City, but it's really just a big softie.

I looked around at all the pretty houses and the trees blooming so big and fat and happy with all the rain we've been getting and thought, I am really content here.

There's nothing like new furniture and decor to give you a fresh outlook. (Forget Prozac.) I highly recommend it.

Dare to Say No to Corporate Pushers

This article made me sad. It sucks that we live in a world where something like marijuana - a non-addictive, harmless substance - is illegal, while prescription drug companies are nothing less than pushers with office buildings and expensive advertisements instead of street corners and pagers. It's sad that we live in a world where life itself is so depressing that a person would rather sink into a drug induced haze than face the reality of their existence and that the only way people know how to deal with physical pain is to numb it with narcotic drugs. As a person with severe back problems, I know what it's like to want to escape physical pain, but I have never surrendered to taking pain killers. I have also never bought into the idea that there is a drug that can fix any problem. Drugs don't fix most problems, in most cases they just make you forget about them momentarily. But the problems return and the drugs need to be taken again, and before you know it, you're an old junkie. Thanks Phizer. Thanks Roche. Thanks U.S. Government. Remember kids, say no to marijuana and yes to OxyContin.

America's elderly face growing drug addiction problem

By Toni Clarke

BOSTON (Reuters) - When Patrick Gallagher first began nodding off at dinner, his family thought it was a symptom of old age. Their fears grew as it worsened.

Withdrawing from the world at age 64, Gallagher was addicted to a cocktail of alcohol and prescription painkillers.

"My whole life was centered around making sure I had an adequate supply of drugs and alcohol," said the former instructor at the University of Miami.

Gallagher, of Jensen Beach, Florida, is an elderly substance abuser, a fast-growing group in the United States as baby boomers age.

A government survey estimates that the number of adults aged 50 or older with substance abuse problems will double to 5 million in 2020 from 2.5 million in 1999, in large part due to their comfort with prescription drugs.

"There is a huge concern that what we're going to be seeing is a tidal wave of seriously affected substance abusers in later life," said Frederic Blow, an associate professor at the University of Michigan Medical School who specializes in geriatric substance abuse.

Unlike their predecessors, the Woodstock generation is comfortable taking medications for a wide range of problems, including pain, insomnia, depression and anxiety. As a result, they are more vulnerable to substance abuse in later life, experts say.

Rush Limbaugh, the politically conservative, 55-year-old talk show host, who was charged last month with prescription drug fraud in connection with his addiction to painkillers, is representative of the new kind of patient showing up in treatment centers and emergency rooms, experts say.

'PAIN-FREE'

So-called "late onset" substance abuse is often linked to medical problems and the emotional traumas that can accompany old age, from isolation to the death of friends and family.

Alcohol remains the most commonly abused substance in the elderly, followed by prescription painkillers such as OxyContin, made by Purdue Pharama, and Vicodin, by Abbott Laboratories Inc , and anti-anxiety pills such as Valium, by Roche, and Xanax, by Pfizer.

Of 495,859 emergency-room hospital visits in the United States in 2004 for the non-medical use of pharmaceuticals, 32,556 were by people aged 55 to 64 years old and 31,203 were by people older than 65, according to the first national government survey of its kind.

Gallagher's problems began when he began taking OxyContin and oxycodone to treat serious back pain.

OxyContin is a sustained-release version of oxycodone, whose brand names include Percocet and Percodan, both made by Endo Pharmaceuticals and whose abuse potential is similar to that of morphine.

"I felt tremendous," he said. "I thought I'd died and gone to heaven because I was pain-free."

Gradually, however, those positive feelings gave way to lethargy and crippling depression. He needed more and more pills to gain the same effect and he increased his alcohol intake dramatically to help.

"My life became unmanageable," said Gallagher, who entered treatment about a year ago after his family intervened to help him. Now aged 65, he manages his pain through alternative, holistic methods such as acquatherapy and massage.

ELDERLY ILLICIT DRUG USE

It's not just prescription drug abuse that is on the rise. Illicit drug use is also increasing, though the absolute numbers are still relatively small.

Of 383,350 emergency admissions nationwide for cocaine abuse in 2004, 10,790 were patients between the ages of 55 and 64, while 1,503 were aged 65 and older.

"We are beginning to see an increase in heroin and cocaine addiction at the front-end of the baby boom wave," said Carol Colleran, executive vice president of public policy and national affairs at Hanley Center, a treatment program in West Palm Beach and the author of "Aging and Addiction."

"The increase is slight yet, but it begs the question as to whether that figure is going to increase dramatically if the baby boomers revert back in retirement to the drugs they tended to use in their college years."

While pharmaceutical companies are introducing new medications to combat pain, anxiety and sleeplessness, supposedly without the potential for abuse, those drugs can carry their own problems.

Ambien, the insomnia drug made by Sanofi-Aventis cited by U.S. Rep. Patrick Kennedy as the cause of his recent car crash near the U.S. capitol, has been blamed recently for causing blackouts in patients that have led to car crashes, sleepwalking and binge eating.

"The drug companies want you to believe their drugs are safe," said Blow, "but I think I think we are just going to see new problems in the future."

You Tell Them

Below is a great letter that a friend sent to his alma mater. I had to post it because it was so beautifully put and I hope that students and alumni across the country use it as an example. Just because Bush holds the title of President of the United States does not mean it's an honor to receive him or to be in his presence...

May 7, 2006

Dr. James C. Votruba, President
Northern Kentucky University
800 Lucas AC
Nunn Dr.
Highland Heights, KY 41099

Dr. Votruba:

As a graduate of Northern Kentucky University, I feel I must protest the upcoming visit to my alma mater by George W. Bush. You have been quoted by the Cincinnati Enquirer as saying that hosting Bush is a “tremendous honor” and “I’m pleased for the university and pleased for the region.”

Dr. Votruba, according to your biography on the NKU website, you earned your B.A. in political science and your M.A. in political science and sociology. You also hold a Ph.D. in higher education administration. It angers me that a man of your education could consider a visit to Northern Kentucky University by George W. Bush to be a “tremendous honor.”

George W. Bush may, indeed, be the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Born into a life of wealth and privilege, he attended Yale University as a legacy, joined the prestigious secret society of “Skull and Bones” and yet still only managed to graduate with a “C” average. He then avoided military service by joining the Texas Air National Guard, failed at every business venture he attempted and was defeated in a Congressional race. Somehow, these qualifications made him an attractive candidate for governor of Texas, and he managed to be elected to that office, eventually bankrupting the state treasury.

In the year 2000, George W. Bush ran for President. He lost to Al Gore by 500,000 votes, yet, thanks to the archaic Electoral College, election-fixing in Florida and his father’s appointments to the Supreme Court, was appointed President of the United States. His accomplishments since then:

Economy

--He spent the budget surplus and effectively bankrupted the US Treasury.

--He has presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history. Allegations of price-fixing by the oil companies, which are posting billion-dollar profits, have been met by meek assurances that an investigation will be conducted.

Corruption

--He is the all-time US and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

--He changed the US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

--He has appointed more convicted criminals to his administration than any President in US history.

--His largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of his best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in US History: Enron.

9/11/01

--After vacationing for the entire month of August 2001, he presided over the worst security failure in US history.

--He garnered an astronomical amount of sympathy for the US after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later managed to make the US the most hated country in the world, surely the largest failure of diplomacy in history.

--He has so far failed to fulfill his pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

Domestic

--His administration has admittedly engaged in illegal wiretapping of American citizens, one of the offenses that ended the Presidency of Richard Nixon.

--His approval rating has dropped to a level not seen since the final days of the Nixon Administration.

--When he does speak in public, he shows such a poor command of the English language that a six-book series of Bush-isms has been compiled.

--The lack of concern he exhibited before, during and after Hurricane Katrina left one of America’s largest cities a cesspit of death, destruction and violence.

International

--He has broken more international treaties than any President in US history.

--He is the first President in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.

--He refused to allow inspectors access to US "prisoner of war" detainees, violating the Geneva Convention.

--Under his command, these same detainees have been tortured, held for years with no charge or access to counsel, and extradited to other countries that practice torture.

--He has set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest him in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

--He is the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view his presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

--The Secretary of Defense for whom he continues to profess support has been roundly condemned as incompetent by the leaders of the very military he is supposed to oversee.

The Middle East

--He has invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week and appears ready to invade a third.

--He is the first President in US history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. He did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of US citizens, and the world community.

--He lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, and then blamed the lies on the British.

--He stood on the deck of an aircraft carrier and said of Iraq: “Mission Accomplished.” That country is now on the verge of civil war.

--He has cut health care benefits for war veterans and supported a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- IN WAR TIME.

Dr. Votruba, which of these accomplishments makes a visit by this man a “tremendous honor?”

I would encourage you, every single member of the faculty, every single student and every single member of the community to do what I would if I still lived in Northern Kentucky: do not support George W. Bush’s visit. Organize a massive protest to greet him when he arrives. Show him that you are sickened by his administration’s record of misleading statements, half-truths, outright lies, criminal actions and morally reprehensible policies. Show him that the people he claims to serve are disgusted by his very presence.

Make sure he never forgets the day he set foot on the campus of Northern Kentucky University.

Sincerely,

Branan Whitehead
BFA Graduate, 1999

Got It From My Mama

Today I purchased my first ever-complete living room seating set. This was a monumental day for me.

Over the past year I have cleared up a lot of shit in my life. I mean A LOT of shit. It's kind of mind blowing actually. I got a great tax return this year and decided to invest it in the one thing that as an adult I have never really had, and that is real furniture. I've never been one to rack up credit card bills, which has worked out great for me. I have no debt. But I've never made a huge purchase either. My sofa, bedroom furniture and computer desk are all from Ikea. The bedroom furniture and computer desk are working out fine for me, but the sofa has been a bane on my existence for 3 years now while I've suffered severe back problems. I hate that couch. I hate it so much.

So today I went and bought myself a four-piece set: sofa, loveseat, big oversized chair and ottoman - all big, beautiful black leather. Just the way I like my living room seating. Growing up, I remember the first time my mother ever purchased real living room seating: the sofa, the loveseat and the big oversized chair - all big, beautiful black leather. She still has them and has added other great leather sofas to her collection over the years, but those first ones still look great, and they are still comfortable as all hell. So I really felt like I did the right thing in the ones that I chose. I also felt sort of like my mother, but thankfully, without the three kids to boot.

My mom and I are incredibly alike (though the same could probably be said of my dad and I), and strangely, I've surrendered to wanting to be just like her in a lot of ways - though let's not get crazy. There are some parts I'm not jumping to emulate. But despite our many inevitable disagreements in life, I still can't help the tendency to always believe that she was right about everything and still is. I always say that's the greatest gift anyone can give their mother, to give up your pride and allow her to be right about everything. I think that my mom has great taste, so it's not a big surprise that in choosing living room furniture, I followed her lead. And truthfully, I'm just glad that it will be easy to clean and goes with everything. Another thing I got from my mother: practicality.

I have NEVER been so excited as I am about the impending delivery of my new living room seating. Okay well there's a slight possibility I've been this excited, but this particular feeling is one I've never had before; knowing that I am going to actually have a comfortable place to sit and be lazy in my own house that may actually help my achy breaky back rather than make it achier and breakier. It's also good to feel like this represents a new level of adulthood for me. A fabulous thing.

Happy Mother's Day Mom! You were right about everything, and you still are.

It Hurts So Good

I watched "Walk the Line" last night for the first time. I've been wanting to see it since long before it came out in theatres and I finally got around to it yesterday. Now I understand why Reese Witherspoon won the Oscar. She was phenomenal in that movie. I was seriously impressed. The music made it all so surreal and for an incredibly sad story, it had such a great and true ending. It seemed to avoid being gratuitous while still giving a raw portrayal of the life of Johnny Cash. I really liked that. So many big budget movies just suck. That one totally didn't. There are no words for Joachin Phoenix, but I'll try...extraordinary.

I love movies about true music legends and I love movies that feature music as a central theme. One of my favorites was "Great Balls of Fire" starring Dennis Quaid where he portrayed Jerry Lee Lewis, and Wynona Rider played his child bride. That movie was amazing and, consequently, had a big influence on me, as I felt like I identified with it as a 13 year old girl dating a 23 year old rock musician. I also loved "What's Love Got to Do With It?," about Tina and Ike Turner, "La Bamba," about Richie Valens, "The Doors," "Salina," "Lady Sings the Blues," about Billie Holiday, and even though it seems strange, it actually does tie in: "The Wall," which portrays or at the least obviously resembles Syd Barrett languishing in his LSD haze.

What I've noticed about these movies is that they are always really damn sad and make you want to hang yourself. But at the same time, the music somehow offsets that sadness and illuminates everything. There is tragedy, self-destruction and sometimes redemption like in "Walk the Line." But the music is what swallows you up. The music is what made these peoples' lives interesting despite all of their degeneracy, weakness or naiveté, because they left us with a great gift.

I can't wait until the Janis Joplin biopic comes out. That's going to be a good one.

Spy On Your Government

I love to read "trash magazines." You know the ones...In Touch, Us Weekly, Life & Style...I actually think I have standards because I don't read "Star" or any of the supermarket newspaper-type tabloids. I'm still working on figuring out what it is about these magazines that's so addictive, because I know I'm not the only one who gets sucked into reading about the lives of complete strangers, who may or may not appear to be living glamorous lives, just because...

Because it's like an ongoing soap opera if you stay on top of it, and in addition -though it's not the most glowing achievement in life - it's fun to be the person who is up on all the latest. I'm that girl in the office who people ask "so what's going on with Tom and Katie? Any news?" or "So did Denise Richards really steal Heather Locklear's husband?" or "Did Jessica Simpson really cheat on Nick Lachey?" I set them straight. I tell them the latest, most quality news from a range of sources, together with my own powers of discernment about what is real news, and what is simply made up. These magazines make a lot of shit up completely arbitrarily and then it just goes down in the books as being a fact. Such as "Teri Hatcher and George Clooney had a torrid, but brief love affair. Clooney ended it while Hatcher was left devastated." They always use that word: "devastated." As if. It's all sooo dramatic. And yet, that's what is so entertaining about it. It's real but it's not real.

I don't limit myself to the magazines. I also indulge in reading "TheSuperficial.com," "PerezHilton.com" (even though Perez Hilton is clearly a total douchebag) and "Defamer." Defamer deserves credit for being of slightly better reading quality than the previous two sites mentioned, but basically it's all just a bunch of catty shit. A bunch of catty shit that satisfies both my vicarious need to be catty too and voyeuristic tendencies that seem to be in pretty much all of us these days. You have to admit, some of this stuff is fascinating - you can't help but find yourself immersed in it. In that way, tabloids are very much like Lays potato chips. You really can't stop at one. You read one little tidbit, and then your attention is grabbed by the next one. At the same time, when I'm reading these magazines or blogs sometimes I'm suddenly struck by a sense of guilt. Not so much guilt that I'm wasting my time reading about the personal lives and careers of celebrities (though that has been a factor), but guilt that their privacy is so savagely exploited and I am one of the little cash cows that keeps the industry of paparazzi and paperwaste chugging right along. I wish it were not so difficult in this world to do absolutely what you feel is the right and moral thing. I feel this way about so many things in life, from eating meat to working in tobacco defense. That's a pretty wide spectrum man.

Back to these tabloids, I don't completely buy the statement that "celebrities put themselves in a public light, so therefore they have no choice but to be subjected to the scrutiny of photographers, so-called journalists and the general public at all times." To some extent, this is true. I'm not saying it's not true. But what seems to be between the lines is: "celebrities make so much money doing what they're doing, therefore they deserve to be hounded." Or at least that's what I perceive. Somehow that makes it okay. Because celebrities are profiting so heavily from the entertainment industry, they must pay with their privacy. Being subject to public scrutiny is one thing, while being harassed and intimidated for profit is another. And the truth is, none of us really want to be spied on, do we? Certainly not by a bunch of men in black SUVs! Weather it's the paparazzi or the CIA...

If photographers and trash-mag journalists spent as much time chasing after Dick Cheney as they do picking apart the minute details of Reese Witherspoon's grocery list and trying to ram into celebrities in traffic, that would be so cool. I think the paparazzi should organize a "Stalk-Your-Politician-of-Choice" Day. Each of these schlubs could grab their precious camera, pick a politician that they would like to stalk, and make it a day. I think it's a brilliant idea. Us Weekly could publish an issue called "Politicians: They're NOT just like Us!" They could publish candid photos of all of the pricks in Washington being total fucking hypocrites all over the place, and then maybe for a second the public would turn their attention back to things that actually have relevance in their lives, like the fact that we're being SPIED ON, that our democracy is evaporating before our very eyes, that our President and his cabinet have been LYING to us for the past six years, that women's rights are being attacked, oil companies are raping us all, global warming is fucking real and there is poverty among the working class.

So many regular Americans have shut off to issues such as the Patriot Act, illegal wiretapping, and other attacks on our constitutional freedoms by the Bush administration. People genuinely don't want to know or think about these problems. People just want to sit and eat their bag of Cheetos in peace without being forced to think about other people's problems, which is all fine and good, but these are OUR problems and so many have surrendered to the idea that we have no choice but to give up our freedoms to protect against terrorism. Those people are WRONG. I think this is partly just plain old stupidity, but there is also this catatonia as a result of being overwhelmed by all the problems that face humankind in general. People are paralyzed by the thought of being responsible or rising to speak or challenging the shit-tide that is also known as our government, so people just retreat into ignorance. It's softer there. I know. I go there sometimes. I go there with Us Weekly.

Entertaining ourselves is crucial. We must enjoy our individual lives and find satisfaction in the little things that make our days more humorous, even if the walls come crashing down upon us. But I also wish that people would see more often when there is still that time to speak up as loud as you can, to hold up the walls and say NO NO NO!!! You cannot fucking spy on me!!! IN FACT, who is spying on THEM? That is an area where I think we could really benefit from some intel.

So I implore the paparazzi to take a break from spying on Lindsay Lohan and take a day to spy on the government!

Me, gloat?

I've been getting all kinds of great forwards lately in the email of peoples' rants against George W. Bush. Someone sent me this one this morning and it made me so glad to see that SOME people are finally pulling their heads out of their asses after a looong period of hibernation and denial, and making statements such as this one (words that would be music to hear coming out of the mouth of anyone who has defended Bush over the years):

Monday, May 8th, 2006
AN APOLOGY FROM A BUSH VOTER

By Doug McIntyre / Host, McIntyre in the Morning Talk Radio 790 KABC (Los Angeles)

There's nothing harder in public life than admitting you're wrong. By the way, admitting you're wrong can be even tougher in private life. If you don't believe me, just ask Bill Clinton or Charlie Sheen. But when you go out on the limb in public, it's out there where everyone can see it, or in my case, hear it.

So, I'm saying today, I was wrong to have voted for George W. Bush. In historic terms, I believe George W. Bush is the worst two-term President in the history of the country. Worse than Grant. I also believe a case can be made that he's the worst President, period.

In 2000, I was a McCain guy. I wasn't sure about the Texas Governor. He had name recognition and a lot of money behind him, but other than that? What? Still, I was sick of all the Clinton shenanigans and the thought of President Gore was unthinkable. So, GWB became my guy.

For the first few months he was just flubbing along like most new Presidents, no great shakes, but no disasters either. He cut taxes and I like tax cuts.

Then September 11th happened. September 11th changed everything for me, like it did for so many of you. After September 11th, all the intramural idiocy of American politics stopped being funny. We had been attacked by a vicious and determined enemy and it was time for all of us to row in the same direction.

And we did for the blink of an eye. I believed the President when he said we were going to hunt down Bin Laden and all those responsible for the 9-11 murders. I believed President Bush when he said we would go after the terrorists and the nations that harbored them.

I supported the President when he sent our troops into Afghanistan, after all, that's where the Taliban was, that's where al-Qaida trained the killers, that's where Bin Laden was.

And I cheered when we quickly toppled the Taliban government, but winced when we let Bin Laden escape from Tora-Bora.

Then, the talk turned to Iraq and I winced again.

I thought the connection to 9-11 was sketchy at best. But Colin Powell impressed me at the UN, and Tony Blair was in, and after all, he was a Clinton guy, not a Bush guy, so I thought the case had to be strong. I was worried though, because I had read the Wolfowitz paper, The Project for the New American Century. It's been around since 92, and it raised alarm bells because it was based on a theory, Democratizing the Middle East and I prefer pragmatism over theory. I was worried because Iraq was being justified on a radical new basis, pre-emptive war. Any time we do something without historical precedent I get nervous.

But the President shifted the argument to WMDs and the urgent threat of Iraq getting atomic weapons. The debate turned to Saddam passing nukes on to terror groups. After 9-11, the risk was too great. As the President said, The next smoking gun might be a mushroom cloud. At least that's what I thought at the time.

I grew up in New York and watched them build the World Trade Center. I worked with a guy, Frank OBrien, who put the elevators in both towers. I lost a very close friend on September 11th. 103 floor, tower one, Cantor Fitzgerald. Tim Coughlin was his name. If we had to take out Iraq to make sure something like that, or worse, never happened again, so be it. I knew the consequences. We have a soldier in our house. None of this was theoretical in my house.

But in the months and years since shock and awe I have been shocked repeatedly by a consistent litany of excuses, alibis, double-talk, inaccuracies, bogus predictions, and flat out lies. I have watched as the President and his administration changed the goals, redefined the reasons for going into Iraq, and fumbled the good will of the world and the focus necessary to catch the real killers of September 11th.

I have watched the President say the commanders on the ground will make the battlefield decisions, and the war wont be run from Washington. Yet, politics has consistently determined what the troops can and cant do on the ground and any commander who did not go along with the administration was sacked, and in some cases, maligned.

I watched and tried to justify the looting in Iraq after the fall of Saddam. I watched and tried to justify the dismantling of the entire Iraqi army. I tired to explain the complexities of building a functional new Iraqi army. I urged patience when no WMDs were found. Then the Vice President told us we were in the waning days of the insurgency. And I started wincing again. The President says we have to stay the course but what if its the wrong course?

It was the wrong course. All of it was wrong. We are not on the road to victory. We're about to slink home with our tail between our legs, leaving civil war in Iraq and a nuclear armed Iran in our wake. Bali was bombed. Madrid was bombed. London was bombed. And Bin Laden is still making tapes. It's unspeakable. The liberal media didnt create this reality, bad policy did.

Most historians believe it takes 30-50 years before we get a reasonably accurate take on a Presidents place in history. So, maybe 50 years from now Iraq will be a peaceful member of the brotherhood of nations and George W. Bush will be celebrated as a visionary genius.

But we dont live fifty years in the future. We live now. We have to make public policy decisions now. We have to live with the consequences of the votes we cast and the leaders we chose now.

After five years of carefully watching George W. Bush I've reached the conclusion hes either grossly incompetent, or a hand puppet for a gaggle of detached theorists with their own private view of how the world works. Or both.

Presidential failures. James Buchanan, Franklin Pierce, Jimmy Carter, Warren Harding the competition is fierce for the worst of the worst. Still, the damage this President has done is enormous. It will take decades to undo, and thats assuming we do everything right from now on. His mistakes have global implications, while the other failed Presidents mostly authored domestic embarrassments.

And speaking of domestic embarrassments, let's talk for a minute about President Bushs domestic record. Yes, he cut taxes. But tax cuts combined with reckless spending and borrowing is criminal mismanagement of the publics money. We're drunk at the mall with our great grandchildrens credit cards. Whatever happened to the party of fiscal responsibility?

Bush created a giant new entitlement, the prescription drug plan. He lied to his own party to get it passed. He lied to the country about it's true cost. It was written by and for the pharmaceutical industry. It helps nobody except the multinationals that lobbied for it. So much for smaller government. In fact, virtually every tentacle of government has grown exponentially under Bush. Unless, of course, it was an agency to look after the public interest, or environmental protection, and/or workers rights.

I've talked so often about the border issue, I won't bore you with a rehash. It's enough to say this President has been a catastrophe for the wages of working people; he's debased the work ethic itself. Jobs Americans wont do! He doesn't believe in the sovereign borders of the country he's sworn to protect and defend. And his devotion to cheap labor for his corporate benefactors, along with his worship of multinational trade deals, makes an utter mockery of homeland security in a post 9-11 world. The Presidents January 7th, 2004 speech on immigration, his first trial balloon on his guest worker scheme, was a deal breaker for me. I couldn't and didn't vote for him in 2004. And I'm glad I didn't.

Katrina, Harriet Myers, The Dubai Port Deal, skyrocketing gas prices, shrinking wages for working people, staggering debt, astronomical foreign debt, outsourcing, open borders, contempt for the opinion of the American people, the war on science, media manipulation, faith based initives, a cavalier attitude toward fundamental freedoms-- this President has run the most arrogant and out-of-touch administration in my lifetime, perhaps, in any American's lifetime.

You can make a case that Abraham Lincoln did what he had to do, the public be damned. If you roll the dice on your gut and youre right, history remembers you well. But, when your gut led you from one business failure to another, when your gut told you to trade Sammy Sosa to the Cubs, and you use the same gut to send our sons and daughters to fight and die in a distraction from the real war on terror, then history will and should be unapologetic in its condemnation.

None of this, by the way, should be interpreted as an endorsement of the opposition party. The Democrats are equally bankrupt. This is the second crime of our age. Again, historically speaking, its times like these when America needs a vibrant opposition to check the power of a run-amuck majority party. It requires it. It doesn't work without one. Like the high and low tides keep the oceans alive, a healthy, positive opposition offers a path back to the center where all healthy societies live.

Tragically, the Democrats have allowed crackpots, leftists and demagogic cowards to snipe from the sidelines while taking no responsibility for anything. In fairness, I don't believe a Democrat president would have gone into Iraq. Unfortunately, I don't know if President Gore would have gone into Afghanistan. And that's one of the many problems with the Democrats.

The two party system has always been clumsy and imperfect, but it has only collapsed once, in the 1850s, and the result was civil war.

I believe, as I have said countless times, the two party system is on the brink of a second collapsed. It's currently running on spin, anger, revenge, and pots and pots and pots of money.

We're being governed by paper-mache patriots; brightly painted red, white and blue, but hollow to the core. Both parties have mastered the cynical arts of media manipulation and fund raising. They've learned the lessons of Watergate and burn the tapes. They have learned to divide the nation for their own gain. They have demonstrated the willingness to exploit any tragedy for personal advantage. The contempt they have for the American people is without parallel.

This is painful to say, and I'm sure for many of you, painful to read. But it's impossible to heal the country until we're willing to acknowledge the truth no matter how painful. We have to wean ourselves off sugar coated partisan lies.

With a belated tip of the cap to Ralph Nader, the system is broken, so broken, it's almost inevitable it pukes up the Al Gores and George W. Bushes. Where are the Trumans and the Eisenhowers? Where are the men and women of vision and accomplishment? Why do we have to settle for recycled hacks and malleable ciphers? Greatness is always rare, but is basic competence and simple honesty too much to ask?

It may be decades before we have the full picture of how paranoid and contemptuous this administration has been. And I am open to the possibility that I'm all wet about everything I've just said. But I'm putting it out there, because I have to call it as I see it, and this is how I see it today. I don't say any of this lightly. I've thought about this for months and months. But eventually, the weight of evidence takes on a gravitational force of its own.

I believe that George W. Bush has taken us down a terrible road. I don't believe the Democrats are offering an alternative. That means were on our own to save this magnificent country. The United States of America is a gift to the world, but it has been badly abused and its rightful owners, We the People, had better step up to the plate and reclaim it before the damage becomes irreparable.

So, accept my apology for allowing partisanship to blind me to an obvious truth; our President is incapable of the tasks he is charged with. I almost feel sorry for him. He is clearly in over his head. Yet, he doesn't generate the sympathy Warren Harding earned. Harding, a spectacular mediocrity, had the self-knowledge to tell any and all he shouldn't be President. George W. Bush continues to act the part, but at this point who's buying the act?

Does this make me a waffler? A flip-flopper? Maybe, although I prefer to call it realism. And, for those of you who never supported Bush, it's also fair to accuse me of kicking Bush while he's down. After all, you were kicking him while he was up.

You were right, I was wrong.

Aaaah. Sweet, sweet vindication. Unfortunately, the reality of how bad Bush truly has been as a president negates any genuine pleasure that could be derived.

The Girl Who Cried Blog

Yes. That is me. The girl who cried blog.

Unfortunately, at some point it fell from the top to the bottom of my list of priorities in life and I allowed my hosting account to go into default several times. But that should be no more.

I am back in the driver's seat. BLOG!