By Beauty Damned

TV Is Worthless Without You

I miss Dave Chappelle. I wish he would come back.

Come back Dave Chappelle. Come back.

I know, he is apparently headlining in Vegas, but I'm not in Vegas and I really miss seeing new episodes of the Chappelle Show. Not that I don't like watching the old episodes, but...I know it's selfish. Like demanding that Eddie Murphy make another Delirious. You have to admit it would be nice though.

Glowing

Robert and I returned from Phoenix on Friday night. Saturday morning we got up and drove down to Pennsylvania and worked all day in the Nordstrom at King of Prussia. We returned late last night and I spent all day today trying to resituate myself; unpacking my bags, getting organized. Still absorbing my last moments of freedom while still officially on vacation and musing about the past week.

Robert and I flew into Phoenix last Sunday in the late afternoon and my dad arrived from Medford just about an hour later. We met him there at the airport and went to pick up a rental car before heading over to my dad's Aunt P's house. When we pulled up to her familiar home and stepped out of the car we smelled steaks cooking. My dad and I rubbed our bellies with hunger, not knowing where the smell was coming from. But we found out soon enough, as the door was opened by my Aunt G and she invited us in. Aunt P was on the phone and we didn't disturb her too much as Aunt G led us into the kitchen where we were greeted by her husband, my Uncle A (my dad's big brother). Uncle A was clad in an apron and holding onto a spatula. We all gave hugs and kisses and then came Aunt P and we got more hugs and kisses. It felt great to be with them. The only things missing were my mother, brother, sister and Uncle A and Aunt G's daughter, Aub. My mother and brother stayed at our family's home in Oregon due to my brother's precarious health, and my sister wasn't in to coming along for the trip. Aub was set to arrive on Tuesday. The absences of my remaining immediate family members was a bit of a sad note for me, but despite that we had such a wonderful time. Our relatives had made us this beautiful meal of steaks and rice and beans and a green salad with dill and fresh tomatoes and avocado. I was in heaven sitting there looking around at Robert and my family and absorbing the warm feeling of being surrounded by loved ones who I see so rarely.

After our meal, my dad, Robert and I drove out to a resort in Carefree, Arizona. It was a beautiful location. My dad made a point of getting us a place where we would have the opportunity to really enjoy the desert. He succeeded to that end. It was a sprawling property with a gorgeous pool and a patio that looked out at the huge sajuaros and palm trees all around. The weather was spectacular and we tried to get as much time by the pool as possible, knowing all too well that when we returned to New York we would be greeted by a long, cold winter. It was quite the luxurious little vacation, and I feel like we made the most of it and enjoyed every minute.

We relaxed, went swimming, drank lots, went out to eat at a great Ethiopian restaurant, stopped at the co-op in Tempe and bought sandwich and bagel fixin's for our hotel room, shopped at the Buffalo Exchange and came home with lots of good stuff, ate at a bad Mexican restaurant, ate at a great Mexican restaurant, drove by some of my dad's old haunts and his parents' old house, visited an awesome Mexican grocery store and bought the kind of Chorizo that I can't seem to find anywhere in New York and toted it through several states packed in ice to finally get it home and safe in my fridge, made some pretty awesome brussel sprouts for Thanksgiving dinner, visited relatives who I've never met on my dad's side of the family, had an amazing Thanksgiving dinner with them, sat around a bonfire under the star-filled Arizona sky, laughed myself to sleep, listened to my grandmother's sister (Aunt P) tell all kinds of good stories that made me feel so grateful to have her there to tell them, spent time with aunts and uncles and cousins, shared lots of laughs.

This Thanksgiving I was thankful for the time I spent with such wonderful people and to know that they are a part of my family and my heritage, for all the wonderful conversations and moments I was able to share with my father, for the joy of introducing Robert to Aunt P and seeing how much she adored him, for being blessed, for everything. It was a really special time and I owe it to my dad for making it happen.

So, Happy Belated Thanksgiving to all my friends who read this. I hope yours was as peaceful as mine.

Au Revoir

Tomorrow Robert and I leave for a weeklong visit to Phoenix for Thanksgiving. I am so excited!!! We are going to hang out with my dad and his side of the family.

For once, I will have a legitimate excuse for not blogging all week. I know ya'll are well accustomed to my absenteeism by now, so I won't worry about being missed. ;o)

My other latest and greatest excuse is that I'm writing my first book ever. And you know what? It's actually coming along. I feel like I finally broke through to the other side of this giant brick wall that kept me from knowing where to begin with writing a book. But it's all becoming clear to me now.

Wish me luck, and you all have a beautiful, happy holiday now!

Chicks

Have I told you how much I love Madonna's latest hit "Hung Up?" I haven't liked anything of hers this much since her Like a Prayer album. That's not to say I haven't liked any of it, but nothing has put me right back into number one fan mode as this has.

We watched the European Music Awards a couple of weeks ago. It was a really fun show to watch. Much more so than MTV's American Music Awards. Seeing Madonna come out and give her performance sent me over the moon.

I discovered her for the first time at the age of 7 and I've been a stallwart fan ever since. But I was blown away. Not only did she look absolutely A-M-A-Z-I-N-G in that purple getup, but she tore the roof off that joint. Her dancing and choreography is second to none. Her voice is incredible. The song kicked ass. I can't say enough about that performance. I was so wowed that my hands came up to my face and little tears came to my eyes. I whispered to Rob, "she's a real queen." And I didn't mean it in the gay sense, though she's kind of that too. She is a queen on her throne and she is unstoppable.

It's so great to see women like her who just keep doing their thing. She's a powerhouse. Maybe that's what I've always loved and admired about her. She has so much self confidence and she knows that the music world is full of emaciated little bubblegum pop stars and that she kicks all their asses and always will. Ma-ma.

Oprah is the same way in her field. Have I told you lately how much I love Oprah? It's been awhile, so I'll tell you again. I watched her 20 year special recently where she looked back at clips of her career and was subsequently surprised on stage by a riveting Sidney Portier who read her one of the most tear jerking tributes of all time. I was so impressed by her career and how far she's come and how much she gives back. I love how real and honest she is and how she's not afraid to make fun of her own weaknesses. I love her.

So Tyra Banks started her own show recently and I don't love her. She sucks. I just had to throw that out there. Though there may be room for phony Oprah imposters on daytime TV, I want nothing to do with it. I gave her a fair chance. I watched parts of it on a couple of occasions, but you've never seen wet-behind-the-ears until you've seen Trya try to pull off being the genuine, down-to-earth talk show host who sympathizes with others and proactively tries to help them solve their problems. Though she may be for real, she comes off as being kind of full of shit and not nearly as perceptive as she could be.

It's Crazy

The following was the catalyst for a book that I have started writing. Please forgive the length, but this was a subject that got me thinking a mile a minute. Also, I make some admissions here that I've never been willing to make before and I disclose some personal details of my relationship, which I'm usually reserved about due to the public nature of this website. But for the purpose of this dissertation, I am being especially open about a subject that is fairly sensitive to me.
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I read this article in New York Magazine called "The New Monogamy." I read it out of pure curiosity, but was surprised at the thought process that it spawned. I printed it up and read it at the end of the day on the train during my commute home. It left me with a few questions and a little bit of irritation and indignance.

The questions I had were mostly personal. Questions I guess I felt like I should be asking my own boyfriend regarding his thoughts on monogamy, shared fantasies, etc. But as far as buying into the non-monogamy thing, I came out far from it. In fact, I felt like the entire concept was a mindfuck to analyze. I can only imagine what a mess it would be to actually put it into action.

In most of the relationships chronicled in this article, the non-monogamous couple had a set of “rules” which both agreed to follow. These rules varied from couple to couple and expressed the agreement between them regarding the expectations and allowances of their non-monogamous status. Sometimes these rules got so convoluted that it was just outright ridiculous. As the authors of the article pointed out, when you get married, the rules are clear from the vows that you take and the commitment that you make to the other person. In any romantic relationship based on the conventional rules of monogamy, there is no negotiation and there is no foggy interpretation about what each party expects. On the other hand, these rules that non-monogamous couples set up seem like far more trouble than they’re worth.

There were some things that made me angry, like the seemingly accepted fact that in the majority of (not all but most) relationships or marriages that are "open" it is actually open to both partners having sex with other women, but not other men. Why does this seem beneficial to the man, more so than the woman? So the woman must be bi-sexual, while the man retains his heterosexual status and does not have to face the threat of another man satisfying his woman more than he himself does. The man is permitted to have sex with women other than his own woman, while the woman is also permitted to have sex with women, but no other male parties are ever brought into the picture, presumably in order to preserve the man's comfort. This pissed me off and made me despise the entire concept of "open" relationships.

I also disliked the fact that those who would prefer unconditional monogamy were generally depicted in the article as being prude, narrow-minded and trapped within a cultural norm that, according to non-monogamists (who somehow gained the upper hand in the article), is antiquated and left for those who can’t handle the truth, honesty and fulfillment that supposedly comes from having an “open” relationship. I took a bit of offense to that characterization and also to how easily the authors of the article were made to feel as if their own expectations of monogamy were somewhat embarrassingly old-fashioned, while jealousy was painted as worse than infidelity.

In fact, by the end of the article, after vacillating a bit throughout, I was thoroughly disenchanted with the idea of non-monogamous relationships. This is not to say I don't think other people should have them. Other people can do whatever they want, but I think the entire concept is rooted in a belief that nothing in this world is more powerful or worth heeding than your sexual desires, and that everything else must be worked out around that. At some point these people decided that the trouble of laying down a set of "open relationship rules" that you and your significant other are then obligated (and presumed) to follow, and the disappointment which would come in the case that this most democratic of agreements were to be violated, is less than that which would result if one were simply unfaithful or dishonest in a monogamous relationship under the rules which are commonly and silently agreed upon in such a relationship. Rather than defying the idea that humans are not made for monogamy, these people embrace the idea, which I believe in itself is a concession of weakness and surrender to unrestrained physical indulgence. I don't see that as a virtue, though perhaps there was a time in my life when I thought it was. Part of the payoff of a relationship is knowing that you made sacrifices for the other person and even bigger than that in my mind is impenetrable loyalty. Loyalty being something I value more than just about anything. Non-monogamy seems to be an easy way to get out of making sacrifices in a relationship while believing that your desire to satisfy your own sexual desires is the greatest love of all and that loyalty is just a word that rhymes with royalty. It's actually kind of narcissistic when I really think about it.

The article seemed largely aimed at trying to prove that in non-monogomous relationships there are fewer problems because you have eliminated good old fashioned jealousy from the equation. Because you've given each other permission to be physically intimate with others (though you're supposedly not to become emotionally intimate - as if when you choose to become a non-monogamous couple you also attain a godlike status which exempts you from jealousy or other common human occurrences such as developing feelings that you didn't intend to develop), you can avoid the disappointment that comes with finding out you’ve been cheated on and presumably lied to. I never stop being amazed at how confident people are in the idea that they have control over their own minds and emotions. People seem to be in total denial about how little awareness and control one really has over the subliminal. Not everything is a choice. Some things just happen. Sometimes people are manipulated. Sometimes you lose control. Sometimes relationships fall apart because of the stress of involving outside parties in your sexually intimate life and trying to maintain a strong bond between the two original parties. I also don't get how in these types of relationships the physicality of sex and the emotional bonds of love are completely separated into two different categories. Once you start viewing sex as a purely physical thing where you can take emotions out of it at will, how does that affect the emotional sexuality in your primary relationship? So confusing...

I guess when it all comes down to it, I just don’t understand. Though I want my boyfriend to also be my best friend, I don’t want him to be my roommate. I understand the concept that honesty is important, and that these people believe that monogamy is an unnatural state of being for humans which breeds dishonesty and that in order to counteract that, people must allow a certain level of non-monogamy in exchange for a greater level of honesty. But I thought that it was all about trust in the first place. I don’t understand why a person cannot be expected to keep their word with respect to being faithful, but somehow they can be expected to keep their word with respect to following these “open relationship rules.” What is the difference except that in the latter instance, you are inviting a host of new problems into your life?

I will concede that the article made me think twice about the way I communicate with my boyfriend about fantasies that either of us might have, and that the level of jealousy that I experience on a regular basis is abnormal. I know that I have a problem. I live within a constant fear that I am vulnerable to losing the love of my life. It is not pretty. It is not attractive. It is not pleasant for either person. Many people look down on those who are jealous. They laugh. (Hell, I’ve laughed at others for being jealous) They turn their nose up and talk about how gauche it is to be jealous. Yes, it is a sign of deep seated insecurity. Yes it is unattractive. Yes it is tres uncool. But guess what? It’s human. For a long time I have tried to hide the fact that I’m jealous. It’s embarrassing. Other people scorn it. Other women see it as a weakness that then makes them even more likely to test you. You look for things and you find them because you looked so hard and then you wonder why you ever went looking because now you’re just left with more hurt, more jealousy.

Jealousy is pain. It is my own personal struggle. I have others, but this one is big. But I don’t want to be ashamed of it. I want to face it and deal with it and learn to let go. I don’t want to go around pretending that I would be okay with my boyfriend sexing up another woman as long as he was honest about it. I don’t think the answer is to blow the door open. I think the answer is definitely somewhere in learning to accept that my boyfriend is a human being with eyes in his head and testosterone coursing through his veins and that he is going to find other women attractive at times, but also in trusting that I have a man who is good enough that he will always stay true to me. And despite some of the more frustrating obstacles and painful realizations of our four year relationship, I know in my heart that he is that man. And I’m willing to put my faith in him. If he betrays that faith, or vice versa, that would be a heartbreaking bridge to cross if we came to it. But I don’t think it would be anymore heartbreaking than knowing that my boyfriend is shtucking another while I go about my happy-go-lucky business. It may sound like I don't trust my man because I grapple so much with jealousy. For the most part, this is not the case. Most of my issues with jealousy come from things I have witnessed in my own life prior to meeting my boyfriend that caused me to lose faith in men who I had previously thought incapable of doing wrong, though I won't go so far as to say that my own boyfriend has never done anything to make me doubt him. He has caused me to doubt, but he has never been unfaithful. As a teenager I was hit with the realization that even the best of people can find themselves in a situation where they cross the line into infidelity, sometimes repeatedly, and I lost a huge dose of optimism about human nature. In a sense, without wanting to, I have bought into the belief that no man is above cheating because it is somehow in their makeup. But I know in my heart of hearts that this is not true. Men and women both cheat and it is not society forcing us into monogamy as much as it seems to be forcing us further into the absence of it. I am still working on letting go of this crippling hangup that I have that even the best of men, when faced with temptation, are unable to walk away. It angers me that I've allowed myself to be afflicted by this belief. In order to let go of my own jealousy, I have to learn that not trusting certain men doesn't have to translate into not trusting all men, including my own.

Most people assume jealousy is always a result of low self esteem or insecurities about yourself physically or emotionally. I’ve always had pretty healthy self-esteem, though I won’t lie and say it’s not lacking in some areas at some times. I am secure in my intelligence, my sexiness, my ability to please my boyfriend from the kitchen to the bedroom. I think jealousy is an offshoot of possessiveness. In your belief that your love for another person puts you in a position to possess them, jealousy arises. Because this is yours. And the thought of anyone else having it is excruciating. Because you own it. Of course, we all know we can’t own other human beings. But that doesn’t stop us from feeling the same ownership emotions. I guess the key to releasing yourself and your love from your jealousy is to release the bonds of ownership. That doesn’t mean releasing the bonds of fidelity. There is a fine line between irrational jealousy and healthy territoriality. I would just like to get to the comfortable side.

I understand what these non-monogamists are trying to do. I just think it’s a misguided measure which erodes the foundation of the relationship rather than strengthening it. I tried to imagine Robert and I trying to solve the problems that we have by deciding that both of us can have sexual relationships outside of our relationship, but that we will stay together and it will make us better and stronger and more open and more free and more in touch with ourselves and each other and we will be best friends and we will never ever have to worry about jealousy because we will have this mutual agreement and we will be totally honest, and when I think of all these things I think it is the most horrible arrangement I can possibly imagine. And not just the thought of Robert being with other women, though I must admit that every time such a thought occurs in my head I feel a pang of anxiety, but the inevitable detachment that would come with all of this.

How can the bond be just as strong and become stronger when you’re working so hard to be detached from normal human emotions? (Assuming that jealousy is a normal human emotion, which I believe it is.) It doesn’t make sense to me. This was something not explained in the article by the couples who were interviewed; how that detachment makes them stronger, or if they are just learning to care less about each other while carrying on the pretense of a relationship because it fills one void in their lives. I don’t know of a way to give yourself completely to another person without also giving them the one and only key to physical intimacy. How can you make copies of that key, hand them out to others and then trust that your home is safe?

Finally, I don’t believe that monogamy is an unnatural state for humans. I believe that a desire for monogamy is engrained in us by much more than just cultural and societal norms. The idea that monogamy is unnatural is a concept that I believe was orchestrated by men who wanted to keep multiple wives as a symbol of their power and virility. The idea that monogamy is unnatural is actually the societal norm and it is assumed that we force ourselves into monogamy out of love. I disagree. I think it is a desire for monogamy that causes most of us to seek love. I want a relationship where I am so sexually attracted to my man that I would never think of going anywhere else. That is what I have. Maybe non-monogamy is more about settling for half the package and then going out and getting the other half elsewhere because in the end it all seems worth it. But I want the whole package, not some piecemeal. And I feel like if you have that, monogamy is not an institution that needs reworking. On the contrary: it is a blessing. This world is enough of a circus. I don't need my love life to be one.

As I said before, I'm not condemning those couples out there who choose to have unconventional relationships. But I resent being regarded as slightly pathetic and behind on the times for wanting total monogamy in my relationship.
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One thing I noticed I did not address above is trusting oneself. How could I have left that out? A lack of trust in oneself is related to a jealousy. There is nothing like a sense of guilt to make a person jealous at the same time. I learned that from my first boyfriend a/k/a the most jealous (and incidentally, most unfaithful) person I've ever dated, and I have found it to be true for myself over the years. I think that trusting yourself is one of the most important factors in whether or not you are going to be able to trust others. I still carry on a bit of self loathing from my past which leads to quite a bit of insecurity and jealousy. One thing I've noticed about Rob is that he trusts himself so much and he is almost never jealous when it comes to me. He is the most accepting, trusting person that I've ever been with. He's never out looking for clues or accusing me of having the hots for someone else. I think that says a lot about how much he himself can be trusted, but I'm not sure what it says about me...

I just felt that was important enough to add. Okay so I'm done. No more on that.

Sweet Salinas

Kathleen and I went to Salinas, California once. We are both big John Steinbeck fans and we had this heavily romanticized idea about what Salinas would be like. I imagined the rolling green hills and vineyards of East of Eden and The Grapes of Wrath. Sadly, it was just another dusty northern California town without a lot going on. We were looking for Steinbeck's house and grave and we were having a really tough time finding it, so we stopped at a grocery store and asked a couple of people if they knew anything about it. Nobody did.

In fact, one man who worked in the grocery store said, with an unnerving air of imbecilic pride, "I've lived in this town for 30 years and I don't even know who John Steinbeck is!" Then he said a little sheepishly "I guess I ought to be ashamed of myself." I remember thinking Kathleen was so cool when she looked at him so frankly and said, "Yes. You should be ashamed of yourself." He shrugged it off. With that we left the store and continued on our search. All we got out of it was a shouting argument between the two of us about which direction we were supposed to be going in. We left Salinas without ever seeing Steinbeck's home or his grave. The disappointment we felt was so palpable that I remember flipping the bird as we passed the sign that said "Thanks for visiting Salinas, California. Come back again soon." Haven't been back since. Kathleen pointed out that if we'd had the internet back then, we wouldn't have had any trouble finding it at all. Mapquest has made incidents like this one obsolete.

What disturbed me about the following article is that 39% of Salinas residents voted against the measure increasing sales tax by a half a cent in order to keep their city libraries open. Thirty. Nine. Percent. Apparently 39 percent of Salinas residents are either illiterate or just severely stupid. Nice priorities fuckjobs. John Steinbeck would turn over in his grave. Thank god for the 61% whose heads aren't lodged in their asses. And furthermore, thank god for Bill Murray. That was so nice of him to step in and do what the citizens of that town (and every town) should be doing for themselves: valuing literacy enough to fund their city libraries.

Steinbeck's hometown votes tax boost for libraries

Nov 10, 2005

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Libraries in Nobel Prize winning author John Steinbeck's hometown of Salinas, California, will remain open after voters approved an increase in the local sales tax, according to election results posted on Wednesday.

The measure will increase Salinas' sales tax by a half cent, raising an estimated $11 million a year in revenue for the farming town. The measure was approved by 61 percent of voters on Tuesday and opposed by 39 percent.

The money will help the birthplace of Steinbeck, who wrote "The Grapes of Wrath" and "Of Mice and Men," keep its libraries open. Facing tight budgets, Salinas officials last year had considered shuttering them. Private funds, including a contribution by actor Bill Murray, helped keep the libraries open part-time.

Worth Laughing and Pointing At

Gays and lesbians asked for equality in marriage, and the lawmakers accidentally giveth, though not exactly in the way same-sex couples might have hoped. I can't wait to see the gays and lesbians of Texas demanding that this law be enforced.

BREAKING: Texas bans ALL marriage by Henry Parsons Thu Nov 10, 2005 at 02:21:41 PM PDT

Texas inadvertently banned all marriage within its borders during a vote yesterday. The key parts to the bill are right here:

Sec. 32. (a) Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman.

(b) This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.

Approved by popular vote yesterday the state of Texas no longer allows marriage in order to protect the sanctity of marriage. They "may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage." Marriage, because it is identical to marriage, is not allowed anymore.

This is what I spent my money on

I rarely display an item on my blog that I have recently purchased, but these are probably at the top of my list of purchases that I've made in my entire life, and I do admit to a bit of a shoe fetish. Some would deem it a financially unhealthy fetish. I consider it an investment in foot health.

There's no way that they are as cute in this picture as they are in real life. After browsing literally hundreds of pairs of boots on the internet and at stores in Manhattan, I knew these were the ones. When I received them, they were even more amazing than I'd imagined. Fit me perfectly like a glove, smelled of beautiful, fresh leather, and softer to the touch than I expected. They have a structure that can't be seen in the photo; a ridge on the toe that makes the foot look super sexy. They look round-toed in the picture, but in truth they are a pointy-ish round-toe which is the perfect balance. If you are looking for just the right boots and none of the styles out there are appealing to you, I highly recommend these. Fabulous and comfortable. They are Circa by Joan and David and they are worth every single penny.

They came in a big shiny yellow box with a soft yellow felt bag to store them in. When I opened it up, it felt like nothing short of Christmas.

On the other hand, I highly discourage you from ever purchasing a pair of shoes from this brand, Irregular Choice. Their shoes are cute as hell and look deceptively comfortable, but a friend of mine and I both ordered a pair from them (each in a different style) and we agreed that neither of us has ever encountered such an uncomfortable pair of shoes in all of our lives. Consider yourself warned. I couldn't even make it a half a block in these little fuckers. Not to mention that for some reason I thought they were cute in the picture and when I received them I realized that they were hideous. But that was totally secondary to the fact that they felt like vice grips on my feet. That is why I have renamed them "Uncomfortable Choice."

I'll Tear Them To Pieces

For the time being, my comments have been restored. My server has given me some advice on how to prevent future disablement of mt-comments. Basically, for the work that it will require to upgrade, rename script, etc., I can blame the spambot fuckjobs that make running a blog an exhausting exercise in asshole patrol.

I know I've ranted about how much I hate spammers before. I think they should be rounded up and shot. I don't give a shit if you think you have the right to "fair competition" and "freedom to advertise." I call it harassment and I am furious that little to nothing has been done by lawmakers to stop spammers. Especially the spammers who should just be rounded up and shot on moral grounds alone, for offenses such as posting spam that advertises videos and websites which promote (and presumably depict) violence to women and children, incest and sex abuse. One step down from that is spam for dating websites and sexual performance drugs. The most prolific spammers are the online casinos and credit card companies/consolidation/loan services. Sometimes it is a nonstop barrage which doesn't cease for hours. I hate these fuckers with every drop of blood that courses through my veins. Despite Blacklist, which has saved me an unbelievable amount of aggravation ever since I installed it, the spammers find a way to cause me problems.

I am sick of being advertised to. I am tired of people trying to sell me shit and rope me into crap that I want nothing to do with. Not just on the internet, but everywhere we go we are accosted by advertisements. Everyday, more and more, I feel like I am living in a Farenheit 451 world.

And now that I got that out of my system, what's good?

I know, it's annoying isn't it?

Man, I really miss reading and commenting at my favorite blogs. I'm excited to check out what's going on with my friends as I've been the perpetually absent blogger of late.

You will probably notice that you currently have no ability to comment on this blog. If I'd checked my email a couple of weeks ago I would have known why this is happening. Today I checked it. Lo and behold, there was an email from my webserver telling me that due to some "danger" that my mt-comments "modules" posed to the "well-being of the entire server," my comments feature had to be disabled. You can imagine how upset I was! (Though at the same time mildly relieved that I'd figured out what the problem with my comments was without having to delve into some way-too-complex-for-my-lazy-brain diagnosis of my site's mysterious ailment.) I joked that it wasn't the first time I'd been deemed a danger to the pack, but really it's no laughing matter. How can I not have comments? Bloggers are nothing without their comments! (Some may disagree, but I feel like I'm missing a leg, and I'm not the only one who's voiced that type of sentiment when being unable to maintain open comments.) I know some people deliberately eliminate comments from their blogs, but those people are usually really popular, with an endless stream of readers who stop in and say "OMG You're SO cool!" or "fuck you! You suck!" BBD doesn't get quite that much action, so I value the comments of people who read the bullshit I prattle on about, even if they do sometimes end up being shitstiks and I have to do away with them.

So that's the difficulty, folks. I emailed my server's tech support imploring them to find a way to restore my comments, or else I will have to find a server who can fulfill my needs as a blogger to receive constant validation and reinforcement, hopefully adoration and the ever present possibility of a delightfully venemous exchange every now and again. Via my comments feature. Except I was really nice about it. Because regardless of how annoyed I really am, my webserver has some of the most courteous and helpful tech support staff I've ever encountered. They replied to my email by telling me that my request to have my comment "modules" restored (can you tell what a retard I am?) was forwarded to the proper authority within their company and I would soon receive a response. I will wait patiently because they've never not gotten back to me. But I WANT MY GEDDEMN CEMMENTS RESTORED IMMEDEETLY!!! I am but a little baby without a bottle. Help.

So if you have anything you'd like to tell me - anything at all - feel free to send a little email. Or give me a call. Or blog about it. Or write it all down and save it to ramble on to me about another day when comments return to BBD. ;o) Until then, I'll close my eyes and listen to the crickets chirp.

Love,
Moi

What you've been missing

Holy crap. I feel like I've had my head held down under water for the past couple weeks! Please excuse the interrupted service that we've been experiencing lately here at BBD. Somehow - probably due to the volume of archives that I keep - I incurred an exorbitant "overtraffic fee" from my server. Lame-O. Due to my excessive fall shopping, I was unable to pay it for awhile. Sorry. It was fabulous fall boots or blogging, and - I know it's shocking and I confess it with no small sense of shame - I chose fashion. And it was worth it. Because these boots are made for walkin'.

I also spent a little bit of money while in Vegas! I couldn't talk at all about the buildup to Vegas because it was a big surprise birthday party for Jenni, and though she rarely stops by my blog, I didn't want to be the asshole who spoils the surprise. And wow was she suprised! Vegas was a total blast. Short and sweet, but now I miss all my girlfriends in Oregon all over again. It was so great to see everyone, and make some new friends. I played lots of slots and lost about a hundred dollars, but I had a good time while I was losing it. I've never been much for gambling so it was nice to indulge. We experienced the seedy essence of Vegas at Circus Circus, laid out at the pool against a giant pink backdrop accented by a few palm trees (I'm a huge fan of palm trees), and were briefly escorted around town by some guy named Teddy in the back of his Cadi limo. He took us to Scores Las Vegas and we saw the nice stripper ladies. Everything was free when we were with Teddy and he was an exceptionally good time, until he ditched us in front of the Paradise Lounge. Maybe he had business to attend to, or maybe he was just disappointed because we all had significant others - or maybe he was just tired of us. But whatever the case, he showed us a good time while it lasted, and I was appreciative of that. I was sad that Darcie and a couple of others decided to stay in that night, but it was a riot all the same.

Here's Jocelyn with Teddy, our sugar daddy.

And here's some pics of us in the back of Teddy's limo. That's our fucking awesome birthday girl Jenni on the far left with her girl Rosie, the lovely Sarah in red and me in purple.

Jairus took care of us. He and Sarah are my new best friends. Or they would be if they didn't live 3,000 miles away.

But by far some of my favorite times were when our whole big group was together...in the big black party bus on the way from the airport; at the Pink Taco savoring cadillac margaritas and succulent fish tacos; at the Island Paradise Cafe having $12.95 Steak and Lobster (I was surprised by the quality of this meal. I can't get a meal of that caliber in New York for less than $30.00!!! And even for thirty bucks, it's rarely as good as the meal we had at the Stardust Hotel's Island Paradise Cafe. Highly recommended). I also loved the Wildlife exhibit at the Flamingo, the lions at the MGM Grand, and wandering through all the big beautiful hotels to look at the sights. The sounds of the casinos start to ring in your head after awhile. The weather was so nice while we were there that we did a lot of walking around outside, which was wonderful. It couldn't have been a more perfect time of year. Not too hot, not too cold.

I can't wait for the next fantastic vacation! For now I look forward to going on another desert vacation - to Arizona over Thanksgiving to visit relatives and my fam. Coming right up!

As for all the serious shit that's going on out there, it's just less fun to talk about than the good times. It's voting day, and as usual, I plan to exercise my right to pull a lever. Viva la civil rights.

Update: Darcie has a fun entry and some great pictures of our Vegas trip at her site.