Much as I admire Howard Stern and his renegade radio status, there have been many a time when he has grossed me out beyond belief. Mostly when he has female guests and starts saying "oh baby, yeah, will you show me your ass? Yeah, take your panties off..." Ew. It makes me feel like I'm listening to someone have phone sex. Nastyyy. But I have to admit there have also been many a time where he has made me laugh and I love how he glorified the shit out of himself in "Private Parts."
Now Howard has made headlines again with his conversation with Rick Solomon where they discussed Rick's sexual experiences and his high publicity relationships. The show transcript includes calls from randoms who contributed a great deal to the obscenity of the broadcast. Good times. The FCC is all over him like a fly on shit these days while Howard's position is more controversial than ever as he incorporates politics into the mix.
You know that the shit is hitting the fan when the Onion gets funny.
What Do You Think? is titled "Richard Clarke Speaks Out."
("Clarke is just another crazy conspiracy theorist claiming that the federal government is slow, inefficient, and unfocused." - Tammy Kroft
Business Owner)
Gotta love it.
"Bush Addresses 8.2 Million Unemployed: Get A Job!"
And I revisited a couple of old favorites, including:
"Bush Won't Stop Asking Cheney If We Can Invade Yet"
and
"Bush: Our Long Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity Is Finally Over"
Of course, for those of you who would rather laugh at Clinton, there are fewer, because he was just such a more lovable guy, but I'll oblige:
"Clinton Blows Entire Paycheck"
and
"Clinton Deploys Very Special Forces To Iraq"
That one kills me. I cry....so funny.
Changes
By Tupac Shakur
I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself
is life worth living should I blast myself?
I'm tired of bein' poor & even worse I'm black
my stomach hurts so I'm lookin' for a purse to snatch
Cops give a damn about a negro
pull the trigger kill a nigga he's a hero
Give the crack to the kids, who the hell cares
one less hungry mouth on the welfare
First ship 'em dope & let 'em deal the brothers
give 'em guns step back watch 'em kill each other
It's time to fight back that's what Huey said
2 shots in the dark now Huey's dead
I got love for my brother but we can never go nowhere unless we share with eachother
We gotta start makin' changes
learn to see me as a brother instead of 2 distant strangers
and that's how it's supposed to be
How can the Devil take a brother if he's close to me?
I'd love to go back to when we played as kids
but things changed, and that's the way it is
That's just the way it is
Things'll never be the same
That's just the way it is
I see no changes all I see is racist faces
misplaced hate makes disgrace to races
We under
I wonder what it takes to make this one better place, let's erase the wasted
Take the evil out the people they'll be acting right 'cause both black and white is
smokin' crack tonight and only time we chill is when we kill each other
it takes skill to be real, time to heal each other
And although it seems heaven sent
We ain't ready, to see a black President
It ain't a secret don't conceal the fact
the penitentiary's packed, and it's filled with blacks
But some things will never change
try to show another way but you stayin' in the dope game
Now tell me what's a mother to do
bein' real don't appeal to the brother in you
You gotta operate the easy way "I made a G today"
But you made it in a sleazy way, sellin' crack to the kids. "I gotta get paid,"
Well hey, well that's the way it is
We gotta make a change...It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes. Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't working so it's on us to do what we gotta do, to survive.
And still I see no changes can't a brother get a little peace
It's war on the streets & the war in the Middle East
Instead of war on poverty they got a war on drugs
so the police can bother me
And I ain't never did a crime I ain't have to do
But now I'm back with the blacks givin' it back to you
Don't let 'em jack you up, back you up, crack you up and pimp slap you up
You gotta learn to hold ya own
they get jealous when they see ya with ya mobile phone
But tell the cops they can't touch this
I don't trust this when they try to rush I bust this
That's the sound of my tool you say it ain't cool
my mama didn't raise no fool
And as long as I stay black I gotta stay strapped & I never get to lay back
'Cause I always got to worry 'bout the pay backs
some buck that I roughed up way back
comin' back after all these years
rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat that's the way it is
I must dispense the proper thanks to Geoffrey for fixing my blog issues. If it weren't for him I would still be sitting over at blogon crying woe is me at the slow fragmentation and decay of the very foundation on which I sat. Though I must admit that at first I was pretty sure that he was just going to trick me into letting him help me and then destroy me in one fell swoop, I was proven wrong.
I feel such a deep sense of relief, it's almost impossible to describe. I'm just going to sit back for awhile and breathe the fresh, vibrant air of freedom.
Okay okay. I know I'm not 13 years old anymore. I no longer have glossy images and magazine cutouts pasted on my wall from floor to cieling portraying Sebastian Bach in skin tight white leather pants and no shirt. I no longer come home from a harrowing day of junior highschool and flop myself onto my bed and stare at those pictures and daydream about marrying the rockstar of my dreams. Sebastian. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
No. I am a big girl now. Twenty five years old and independent. I have a real relationship, not just a fleeting daydream about some buttrocker in tight pants stuffed with a cucumber who actually looked more like a relatively attractive woman than a full grown man. But you know what? When I listen to this song, I go right back there. And I do a mean kareoke rendition of same. Okay. More than you ever wanted to know about me....
Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper and I'd think of you
And all the tears you cried, that called my name
And when you needed me I came through
I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see
I'd stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me
Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you
We spend the summer with the top rolled down
Wished ever after would be like this
You said I love you babe, without a sound
I said I'd give my life for just one kiss
I'd live for your smile and die for your kiss
Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you
We've had our share of hard times
But that's the price we paid
And through it all we kept the promise that we made
I swear you'll never be lonely
Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you
But nothing else could ever take you away
'Cause you'll always be my dream come true
Oh my darling, I love you
Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you
Tell me the right way too look at it almighty Bush administration. Tell me the right way...
The renewed refusal came despite the panel's unanimous plea for her testimony.
Republican commissioner John F. Lehman, who has written extensively on separation-of-power issues, said that "the White House is making a huge mistake" by blocking Rice's testimony and decried it as "a legalistic approach."
...
Rice argued that "al Qaeda is not more dangerous today than it was on September 11" but said it is still dangerous. She also said, "The world is a lot safer and the war on terrorism is well-served by the victory in Iraq." When it was noted that there have been more terrorist attacks in the 30 months since Sept. 11 than in the 30 months prior, she replied: "That's the wrong way to look at it."
More bullshit from the bullshit brigade.
Well Rummy has already proven himself to be a huge liar and a sheister, so weather or not he "thinks [anything] is accurate" means very little considering that tomorrow he'll think something different if it fits the agenda.
Richard Simmons laid the smackdown on some guy in the Phoenix, AZ airport!
Hahaaaaaahahahahahahaaaaa.
Hahahaaaaaa.
Oh god. That is so great. Thank you Richard Simmons for the endless entertainment you scary, scary man.
I read this, titled "To the Lady who had guts dumped on her car" on Craigslist just now and it made me laugh my ass off. Holy shite!
An exerpt to whet your appetite: "The driver slams on their brakes and swerves all over the road before coming to a screeching halt. I, as well, come to a screeching halt, nearly avoiding the accident. After getting my bearings, I slowly veer to the left of the Little Car into the oncoming lane (which was deserted) and slowly drive by while peering intently at the spectacle. The wipers have been turned on high and smearing copious amounts of blood and guts all over the windshield. The roof of the Little Car is covered in muck. The hood is covered in gore and the wipers are slapping uselessly at the mess. I then notice that a woman is driving the car. I can see that she is screaming and crying hysterically, her hands thrown up in her face, shaking. 'Wow!’ I think. 'What a mess! She better get to a car wash pronto' and then continued on my way to work..."
My blog is starting to resemble a broken down house that is soon going to have to be condemned. Nail up the windows and doors. The foundation is crumbling. The paint is peeling. I'm sad.
It seems like it's all too rare lately for me to see something in the Onion that makes me laugh so much that I have to tell someone. Used to happen all the time. Herbert Kornfield will always have a special place in my heart. (I love you Herbert!) And I never seem to tire of the "What Do You Think?" section. But other than that, I don't know if I've just gotten bored or if it's actually not as funny as it used to be...anyway, no matter...there's always the archives. And this week's is actually a good issue.
This one: "Political Cartoon Even More Boring And Confusing Than Issue." That's funny. To me.
"White man does not understand... One portion of land is the same to him as the next, for he is a stranger who comes in the night and takes from the land whatever he needs. The Earth is not his brother, but his enemy and when he has conquered it, he moves on. He leaves his father's graves behind, and he does not care. He kidnaps the Earth from his children, and he does not care.
"His father's grave, and his children's birthright are forgotten. He treats his mother, the Earth, and his brother, the same, as things to be bought, plundered, sold like sheep or bright beads. His appetite will devour the Earth and leave behind only desert.
"The air is precious...for all things share the same breath - the beast, the tree, the man, they all share the same breath. The white man does not seem to notice the air he breathes. Like a man dying for many days, he is numb to the stench.
"What is man without the beasts? If all the beasts were gone, man would die from a great loneliness of the spirit. For whatever happens to the beasts, soon happens to man. All things are connected. You must teach your children that the ground beneath their feet is the ashes of our grandfathers. So that they will respect the land, tell your children that the Earth is rich with the lives of our kin. Teach your children...that the Earth is our mother. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons of the Earth. If men spit upon the ground, they spit upon themselves.
"This we know - the Earth does not belong to man - man belongs to the Earth. This we know. All things are connected like the blood which unites one family. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth, befalls the sons of the Earth. Man did not weave the web of life - he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.
"Our god is the same god. You may think now that you own him...but you cannot. He is the god of man and his compassion is equal for [all man]. The Earth is precious to him, and to harm the Earth is to heap contempt on its creator."
Purportedly written by Chief Seattle. True author: Ted Perry, 1972
For information on what's going on with our environment, visit forest.org and Ecoportal.
Well I posted that story about the Indian kid marrying his gramm. After that I somehow ended up reading more Indian news stories and, as Jake commented in the below post "the culture is a shocker..."
Not that I don't already realize how good American women have it when compared with what women in so many other countries endure. A total lack of rights, no respect afforded, the placement of all sorts of expectations upon them which, to an American woman, seem so unreasonable and harsh...
Headlines such as "In-laws strangle girl for being dark-skinned" and "Husband sells wife for Rs.60,000" and "Family pushes pregnant girl out of train" jumped out at me.
All stories which highlight the inhuman treatment of women in India. Of course, these kinds of atrocities are happening all over the world, but these are the ones that caught my attention in the past hour.
And the world's tragedies persist:
What is up with Germany lately? Every ridiculous thing I hear of seems to be happening there. First of all, burglars there are unbelievably stupid. I read about two guys who had an inspector gadget-like automobile rigged up with every imagineable idiocy which hindered them in their getaway far more than it helped. I read about a man who bought a computer, removed the insides, packed it full of potatoes and brought it back to the store for a refund. The store issued one. I read about a man who fried a fish in the kitchen of the house he was burglarizing in the middle of the night. The owner was awakened by the smell and had the burglar arrested. I even read about a man who, during the course of a fumbled burlary, ended up trapped in a clothing charity bin and was only discovered when he reached his hand out clutching a cigarette and yelled: "gimme a light!"
It has become such a joke between a friend and I that every time we come across a story about Germany, we email it to eachother.
Of course, Germany is not the only place in the world where ridiculous things are occurring. Take India for example. This 25 year old man has recently wed his 80 year old grandmother for the purpose of "taking care of her." I know plenty of people who take care of their grandmothers without getting married to them! The article doesn't mention whether or not the marriage would be consummated as most newlyweds do, but the thought of it gives me the heebie geebies. And not in a funny, Harold and Maude sort of way...
Okay folks. GO home. Don't come to my site and start harassing me in every single entry. It's not cool. Get a fucking life. Geoffrey and Gordon, you have no concept of stopping while you're ahead. Shoo.
I would like to thank those people who have come to my blog with good intentions. I appreciate the supportive comments of those who can relate to what has happened here in the past couple of days and who realize that these idiots (who I won't even bother to link because they're not worth any of our time) only come to people's blogs with the intention of seeing how far they can push people with their barrage of nastiness. Animals really, is what they are. Gordon and Geoffrey.
Which is what this whole thing was about in the first place. It all started with the way that those two conduct themselves with others. The hate that they spew everywhere they go. I had to shut off my comments because I can only tolerate so many attacks on my family members. Say what you like about me, but once you start calling my siblings and my parents nasty names and making an endless stream of derogatory remarks about things you know nothing about, next thing you know, I'm gonna be calling you a sniveling masturbator and your mom a whore and it's all downhill from there.
So.... That happened.
Ah. Another wonderful day in law enforcement history:
And why I (or the Smoking Gun) thought that was notable shall remain a mystery.
Friday. Music will be my salvation until the end. It started off okay. A little tired and indignant at the typical demands of morning, but nothing unusual. The train from Bay Ridge felt exceptionally smooth and swift and I seemed to avoid all obstacles on my way through and around busy transfers and pokey passengers. It felt almost as if I was drifting through an invincible euphoric haze. When I got to my office building, the Lipstick Cafe was handing out free chocolate croissants and bagels and orange juice and coffee to the tenants. I happily accepted their offering and continued on up to my floor.
On the way up in the elevator I had an entertaining exchange with a good acquaintance. Moseyed to my desk generally on time and settled in. Looked around at all the photos of friends and family I have posted and framed along the relatively vast oval of my work space and felt comforted by all the faces and memories. Turned on my computer. Checked my email. That's where the irritation began. Right there in my Microsoft Outlook Exchange Server. First was the fifteen spam emails that posted to my blog overnight. I gulped down my orange juice and got a cup of coffee before I started to delete them one by one, repressing my urge to yell about how bad it pisses me off. Deep breath. Nother gulp. Nope, urge irrepressible.
I direct my attention to friend Brett and tell him about the spammers who target blogs now and how much I wish they would fucking die. He says I should relay my sentiments to them in an angry message written in 36 point font from a temporary email address. Done that. So I've overcome that irritation. I'm used to it, and even though it pisses me off to no end, I am already accustomed to the fact that this is a form of torture that I am going to be forced to live with. Considering the fact that I can't even fix my blog sidebar, not much this bitch is going to be able to do about spam demons from hell. (As David Sedaris eloquently wrote once "ain't nothin you can do about it motherfucker so you might as well sit the fuck down and eat some motherfuckin candy.") Ah yes. Where are those M&Ms I had?
Then there are the other annoyances that naturally occur in my daily life as a result of being an administrative assistant to several attorneys. Of course, I anticipated that when I decided to make this my living, so big deal right. Sure. Big deal. Not to mention that I wouldn't tell you if it was a big deal because I'm not an idiot and I do realize that anyone can read this whenever they wish. Therefore I will say: I love my bosses. They are three fabulous people (I genuinely mean that) who only occasionally rack my nerves. But that's permitted, because that IS what I get paid for and as long as they are not tyrants (which they are not, thank god) it's all going to be just fine. Is my nose brown? Only a little.
Nonetheless, at some point between my euphorically hazy morning commute and sitting here at this desk, my blood pressure rose considerably. It has dropped again as I have been listening to my launchcast station all morning, and as usual, I am super impressed with my own taste in music. So far, I have heard Pink Floyd, Prince, Pavement, The Verve, System of The Down, Madonna, Modest Mouse, Talking Heads, Lucy Pearl, Jimmy Cliff, Glen Lewis, NoFx, Leonard Cohen, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Nine Inch Nails, Tupac and now Bauhaus. I am so glad that Bela Lugosi's Dead is a fourteen minute song because if it were any shorter I just wouldn't get enough. And there aren't that many songs you can say that about.
So during the course of this menagerie of minor irritations and musical entertainment, the snow has finally stopped falling outside, and the sun has mysteriously emerged from the sky which has incessantly showered us with snow for the past four days. I forgot how beautiful sunshine is and for some reason, I suddenly feel as if there isn't anything that could bother me right now.
I do not read personals or visit online dating sites, but I have recently become addicted to the "best of" on Craigslist because it is the funniest thing ever and today I came across this personal ad, which I think is definitely the best personal ad EVER. If I was single, I would totally fall for that stick figure drawing thing, hook, line and sinker. I won't even start listing all of my other favorite rants, raves and so on, but if you are bored and need a good laugh, this is definitely the place to go.
Every reality show has one. Sometimes more than one. The girl who thinks she's super hot and always starts off by saying "some of the other girls here might be intimidated by me just because I'm really pretty, but I'm here to prove that I am more than just a pretty face."
If you didn't already think that was all you had going for you, then the above statement would be completely unnecessary. Right? Right. Where do all you coceited hags come from?
Then they go on to use their sexuality to every imagineable advantage. Oh yes. You've proved it alright. You've proved what a big wonderful brain you have.
I know it's terrible, but I sometimes watch reality dating shows. They are so fucking godawful though. They make me despise people. Women and men alike. The men are all these mysogynist, chauvenist fucking pigs and the women are either super conceited (insecure), self righteous prudes or just downright slutty old hobags.
It makes me thank god that I am in a decent long term relationship and only living vicariously through these idiots on television.
I think it is wrong to take naptime away from pre-kindergarten kids.
Statements like: "They can't be babied," Zahava Johnson said. "These are young minds. We have to take advantage of this early stage when they grasp everything."
and
"Nap time needs to go away," Prince George's County schools chief André J. Hornsby said during a recent meeting with Maryland legislators. "We need to get rid of all the baby school stuff they used to do."
They ARE babies you ASSHOLES! (Sorry, I am on the warpath today and this really makes me mad). This is PRE Kindergarten. This is not first grade. These are four year olds. They need rest. This whole mindset that we should ram as much "learning time" down our children's throats to the point that they can't even be children, can't even get the rest they need...I think it's shocking and it portrays this whole thought process that to be worth anything, you have to start putting your nose to the grind early in life. No time to rest. None of this BABYSTUFF. Get to work! Become a robot. Work. Work. Work. So that later in life you can make MONEY. MONEY. MONEY. Then years later we wonder why they develop weird hyperactivity and attention deficit disorders and all kinds of other issues. Why is the teenage suicide rate so much higher in Japan? Because children there are treated like the only thing that matters is how much school work they can get done. Is that what we are trying to accomplish here? I am as much of a believer in a good education as the next person, but I do not believe that the only way to achieve smart, well adjusted kids who excel in their studies, is to have exhausted, overworked children who don't get a chance to rest and are treated as if they better hurry up and learn or else god forbid, they are going to be WAAAAY behind by the time they are SIX or SEVEN years old, and then WHAT WILL WE DO? It's ridiculous. And in the end, it's really all about money. There isn't enough money for pre-K programs so they crack down on things like naptime to eliminate spending when what they should be cracking down on is the amount of money that school administrators spend to decorate their fucking offices.
It is such an incredibly beautiful day outside. I just woke up after a long, weird sleep. But now I am going to get my ass out of this house and into the sunshine! Yaaaaayyy!!! I am going to worry about my crazy blog issues another time.
I am having some slight problems with my blog layout. It's being really freaky.
I don't know what I did, but I'm going to have to figure out how to fix it, so please don't mind any weird things happening or the utter and complete lack of linkage to the right.
Thank you.
Feel free to come to my site and express your opposing views. Feel free to come and inflict good humored and well intentioned ribbings.
But do not come to my site to harass me, call me cruel names, degrade me, my family, my friends, my lifestyle or my beliefs. Your comments will be deleted and your IP address will be banned. If the only way that you know to express your different thoughts and ideas is to make ugly attacks against others, targeting the most beloved & cherished aspects & people in their lives, then be prepared to live in total obscurity or at the very least, to be surrounded by those who are just as deeply hateful and offensive as you are.
Yes Geoffrey, this is for you.
I was looking at photographs on my parent's website today. Each one has a caption written by my dad and it makes me feel so good to look at them and read all the funny and heartwarming things that he writes. The photos range from our family over the past twenty seven years to our land in the Colestine Valley, to my favorite house in L.A. on Fifth Street in Santa Monica & many things that went on therein. Looking at these photos brings back such a deluge of memories. This is one of the things my dad wrote that I read today and it made me want to cry and miss my first cat, Mellow Yellow, ever so much:
"Once, long before the temple was built, we got snowed out of our first yurt, and I had to hike back in from the County road about a half mile through hip-deep snow. When I arrived at the barn, our cat, Mellow Yellow, came out of the barn and greeted me after many months of separation. I was amazed. But he had been doing fine in the mouse-infested barn. I'm sure the mice were not doing so well. Then, I trudged another 200 yards to the yurt, leaving big columns as deep as my leg punched into the snow. Mellow Yellow followed me all the way to the yurt, leaping from one hole to the next, like several hundred times to get to the yurt with me. Once there I made a fire and warmed up, and then put a pack of things together to take back. Mellow Yellow sat by the fire and exuded such a sense of companionship. It was like we were communicating with each other so clearly. He was really glad to see me, and I was really glad to see him. As a sidelight, this was the winter Ana was born. We were snowed out, had no place to go, and rented Loren Duca's attic apartment, where Ana first saw light."
I can't believe how freakin mushy I feel right now.
I had no idea that it was even possible for a fifty-two year old woman to give birth to children, let alone twins! And being the surrogate mother to her daughter in law, this woman has literally just given birth to her own grandchildren. That seems a little confusing. I think I would just adopt and avoid the whole weird incest connotation. Maybe that's just me.
I am at work right now and don't have time to say everything that I want to say about this, but I think it should suffice to say what I am sick to my stomach and wishing right now that all of the psychotic, gay hating, fundamentalist Christian prudes from hell that seem to be taking over this country would just fucking drop dead. Where do these people come from and how did they get so damn crazy and self righteous? Boycotting Girl Scouts because the organization gets along with Planned Parenthood? They don't donate money! They don't send their little girl scouts to PP for anything? They just get along. And these crazies talk about morals... But why am I not surprised that all of this is happening in George Bush's hometown of Crawford, Texas?