By Beauty Damned

Waiting is Painful

My NIGHTMARE roommate will be completely out of my apartment by tomorrow night. The suspense of waiting to see if she attempts to destroy or vandalize any more of my property on her way out is killing me. I have this sick feeling in my stomach. There's nothing worse than a spiteful person who needs to vent their frustration and anger by destroying the possessions of whoever it is that they're angry at. It is such an irrational and immature act to destroy the possessions of another. First of all, it doesn't benefit anyone. Second of all, it is a great way to prompt someone to destroy YOUR property in retaliation. Lastly, it makes you look foolish and jealous. As if you are destroying that property because secretly you can't stand that someone else has something you don't have. With her it is just a bitterness that she can't express and she can't come to terms with so her only way of attempting to let me know how much she hates me is to leave traces of her anger so that I will see it and somehow feel the impact. It infuriates me though because she has access to the house when I am at work and uses that time to steal things out of spite and to defile my property.

I can't find the words to describe the feelings I have for her at this point. It's an ugly sickening feeling that cannot be articulated without actually being a witness to her behavior.

The prospect of her permanent absence from my life is like a beautiful bright light and a whiff of perfumed air at the end of a long, dark, putrid tunnel.

Who are these people? Where do they come from? Have they no soul? No conscience? Or worse yet, no brains?

I honestly don't think she does. Have you ever met someone who just really has no personality to speak of with the exception of their neurotic behavior? Someone who has no hobbies, no interests and nothing that makes them stand out or seem unique except for the fact that they are nuts? Well, that describes my roommate Laura. She has nothing to be particularly proud of in her life. Therefore she is jealous of others and blames those around her for her own misfortune or lack of those things which she might desire. She also wallows in self pity and looks for reasons that others should feel sorry for her. Ew. That grosses me out so bad.

I will stop dwelling now. Thinking about her causes me anxiety. The relief that I will feel when she is out of my life is something I cannot wait to relish.

Nightmares

Boyfriend wrote me an email saying he was sorry. Hmph. For being critical and that he is only trying to help me become a better person, which is what we should both be doing for one another. Which is true I suppose, but my best trait has never been the acceptance of criticism, regardless of whether or not it is "constructive". I cannot distinguish one kind from the other. It's all the same to me.

Well, I'm over it anyway. I went home and got a good night's sleep...oh except for the terrifying nightmare I had around one o'clock in the morning. I had to force myself awake and remind myself that I was in my bed in my apartment in Brooklyn. I think I dreamt I was in Oregon and something horrendous was about to happen to me. I don't remember what, but for some reason, just the idea that I was not in my own house or that I was back in Oregon was something I had to fight with myself to overcome as I was trying to unglue my consciousness from the bad dream.

As I willed my eyes to open and see that I was safe, I could hear the kittens in the living room and that felt like a huge comfort to me. I breathed deep relief and reluctantly allowed myself to fall back asleep. Luckily, the nightmare did not return, though I did continue to have peculiar dreams for the remainder of the night. I wish I could remember them.

You know what used to make me crazy when I was a little girl? I was a very acquisitive child with an insatiable desire for candy and clothes and money and other material things. I dreamed often of obtaining these things. The disappointment that I felt when I would awake to find that the candy bars I had collected in my dream or the closet full of brand new dresses were gone was almost too much to bear. I would try very hard to grasp onto those things and yank them through the barrier between dreams and reality to make them tangible, to no avail of course. I would many times convince myself that I was not dreaming at all. Unfortunately, my waking hour would shortly arrive and I would once again be defeated in my quest to capture my dream possessions.

Luckily, I never have these dreams anymore. Nor am I a solicitous child who will go to any lengths to get what I want, which is probably a major reason that those types of thoughts and desires are no longer affixed to my subconscious. It's a lovely thing. Growing up.

I used to have a lot of dreams about vampires when I was really little. My best friend was a huge instigator, as she informed me that those who do not where metal clamps or at the very least a heavy scarf around their neck as they slept would be attacked by vampires. This was also during the time that Richard Ramirez, The Nightstalker, was murdering people not far from where I lived and I was consumed with the fear that he would come and get us. Luckily, neither Dracula or the Nightstalker materialized in my room and my dad told me to visualize the object of fear and then say "I don't believe in you, I can blow you away" he said then if you close your eyes and blow very hard, the sinister thing will be cast off. He was right. It really worked. I decided then that my dad was definately someone I could count on to take care of any bad things that came my way.

Then when I was a teenager I had a series of bizarre nightmares about the old people in the building next to me turning into zombies and coming to get me. In one dream I even gouged an old lady's eye out with a fork and then she turned into a Marge Simpson doll but she was still bleeding. Nice. Another one featured an old decrepit woman reaching her arm through the bars on my window to grab me and I hacked the arm off with an axe. Gory shit man. God I have had some weird dreams. I remember so many of the old ones. It is the new ones I have a hard time recalling. It bothers me...

Siphoning Sympathy

I feel so bummed out man. My roommate is a lunatic who is making my life a nightmare. I hate her. I really do. I know that is "a strong word" and an even stronger sentiment, but that is all I can feel towards her right now. It has been a long and hellish union, our living together. It is amazing how long seven months can become when you are being subjected to a manipulative, controlling and incredibly stupid and irritating person the entire time. It's almost like you wish someone would just come along and spare you the misery.

Honestly, I want to cry right now. The tears are teetering at the rims of my eyes and my jaw feels like it is going to burst into flames. Not because I hate her so much, though last night I did cry because I wanted to take her and strangle the shit out of her. Right now I am so angry at my boyfriend because all he can do everytime I argue with her is criticize the way I dealt with it. It really doesn't help. Then today he has the nerve to say "if you want a boyfriend who is just going to tell you 'oh great job!' then I am not the one..." That made me feel awful. I didn't ask for a gold star for my actions, but I definately didn't need the criticism when I am already stressed out enough about the whole situation. It just made me feel ten times worse.

It seems like a lot of the time he takes the contrary position because he thinks if he doesn't criticize me then no one will, and someone has got to do it, because everyone can't agree with me and think I am right (even though I am obviously right when it comes to this situation with my roommate - I think even she knows that), but the things he says just hurt my feelings and make me feel like he is being really unsupportive.

In his mind he is just trying to give me good advice. In my mind he is beating me about the head.

A bunch of questions

IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE? somewhere warm, near the ocean with a simple, relaxed culture.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? Jeans and this one particular long black skirt that I have owned for years. It never stops looking hot.

FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Arms, hands and back. And eyes of course.

WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT? Kate Bush - "The Whole Story"

WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE? Immersed in water, floating, sun shining down on me, everything silent and beautiful and sparkling. I wish I could breathe underwater.

WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE? Anywhere that smells really bad or is otherwise physically uncomfortable.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? My neck, my back, my... oh forget it, the rest of the song is dirty.

WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? That depends on which one you don't have the use of. I am tempted to say the mind, but I doubt I'd say that if I was rendered quadraplegic. I'd probably ask "why couldn't I just be retarded?"

WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Between 7:30 and 8:00.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? Fridge. It keeps everything nice and fresh. After that, it's a nice big skillet.

WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? Children's Services "caseworkers" who don't do their jobs, resulting in the suffering and death of innocent children, any kind of child abuse, lying politicians, laziness, starvation, assholes.

IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Guitar or piano.

FAVORITE COLOR? PINK.

WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? I would say SUV but I was at a car show and saw that most of them don't get more than 15 miles to the gallon. That is shameful. I'll take a gas efficient sports car anyday!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? Yes.

FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? The Giving Tree

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Late spring/early summer.

WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE? Laundry - even though I have a washer and dryer, I hate doing it.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? To be able to fly.

DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? I have an Ankh (Egyptian symbol of eternal life/fertility) around my belly button.

THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? George.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY? Saturday.

WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR? I don't have a car, but one time I drove around with a 50s mannequin in the trunk of my first car for a couple of weeks. The car broke down on the side of the road and I never retrieved it. I wonder if anyone ever looked in that trunk and what went through their head when they saw that white mannequin.

WHAT IS YOUR DREAM JOB? To be a freelance writer and travel the world.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST DREAM? To have the time and financial freedom to travel as much as I want and to have true and longlasting love.

WHAT WOULD YOU NAME YOUR NEXT CHILD? BOY & GIRL?: I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

DO YOU HAVE PETS? NAMES?: Two Russian Blues. Matilda and Amelia.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FEATURE ABOUT YOURSELF? My sense of humor and my determination. And also the fact that I don't let anything stop me from doing what I want to do. Even if that thing is sometimes extremely stupid.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TIME OF THE DAY? Twilight when the sun is setting and shedding that beautiful glow on everything.

HOW MANY "REAL, TRUE, STAND BY YOU NO MATTER WHAT, BE THERE WHEN YOU NEED THEM" FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE? About 5

IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?
Madonna

WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
Music, nature, people watching and other people's art.

WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Luz De Luna

WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
Went to One if By Land Two if By Sea with Rob and had a super romantic dinner.

ARE YOU AN ORGAN DONOR?
Yes! I don't care what happens to my body after I die, so long as I am not in any way defiled or molested by necrophiliacs. Other than that, g'head!

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO RETIRE TO?
Maybe an island or maybe Spain or Mexico or Brazil or maybe I would just like to travel incessantly...

Posted by Maria at 08:14 PM | TrackBack