By Beauty Damned

It's Crazy

The following was the catalyst for a book that I have started writing. Please forgive the length, but this was a subject that got me thinking a mile a minute. Also, I make some admissions here that I've never been willing to make before and I disclose some personal details of my relationship, which I'm usually reserved about due to the public nature of this website. But for the purpose of this dissertation, I am being especially open about a subject that is fairly sensitive to me.
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I read this article in New York Magazine called "The New Monogamy." I read it out of pure curiosity, but was surprised at the thought process that it spawned. I printed it up and read it at the end of the day on the train during my commute home. It left me with a few questions and a little bit of irritation and indignance.

The questions I had were mostly personal. Questions I guess I felt like I should be asking my own boyfriend regarding his thoughts on monogamy, shared fantasies, etc. But as far as buying into the non-monogamy thing, I came out far from it. In fact, I felt like the entire concept was a mindfuck to analyze. I can only imagine what a mess it would be to actually put it into action.

In most of the relationships chronicled in this article, the non-monogamous couple had a set of “rules” which both agreed to follow. These rules varied from couple to couple and expressed the agreement between them regarding the expectations and allowances of their non-monogamous status. Sometimes these rules got so convoluted that it was just outright ridiculous. As the authors of the article pointed out, when you get married, the rules are clear from the vows that you take and the commitment that you make to the other person. In any romantic relationship based on the conventional rules of monogamy, there is no negotiation and there is no foggy interpretation about what each party expects. On the other hand, these rules that non-monogamous couples set up seem like far more trouble than they’re worth.

There were some things that made me angry, like the seemingly accepted fact that in the majority of (not all but most) relationships or marriages that are "open" it is actually open to both partners having sex with other women, but not other men. Why does this seem beneficial to the man, more so than the woman? So the woman must be bi-sexual, while the man retains his heterosexual status and does not have to face the threat of another man satisfying his woman more than he himself does. The man is permitted to have sex with women other than his own woman, while the woman is also permitted to have sex with women, but no other male parties are ever brought into the picture, presumably in order to preserve the man's comfort. This pissed me off and made me despise the entire concept of "open" relationships.

I also disliked the fact that those who would prefer unconditional monogamy were generally depicted in the article as being prude, narrow-minded and trapped within a cultural norm that, according to non-monogamists (who somehow gained the upper hand in the article), is antiquated and left for those who can’t handle the truth, honesty and fulfillment that supposedly comes from having an “open” relationship. I took a bit of offense to that characterization and also to how easily the authors of the article were made to feel as if their own expectations of monogamy were somewhat embarrassingly old-fashioned, while jealousy was painted as worse than infidelity.

In fact, by the end of the article, after vacillating a bit throughout, I was thoroughly disenchanted with the idea of non-monogamous relationships. This is not to say I don't think other people should have them. Other people can do whatever they want, but I think the entire concept is rooted in a belief that nothing in this world is more powerful or worth heeding than your sexual desires, and that everything else must be worked out around that. At some point these people decided that the trouble of laying down a set of "open relationship rules" that you and your significant other are then obligated (and presumed) to follow, and the disappointment which would come in the case that this most democratic of agreements were to be violated, is less than that which would result if one were simply unfaithful or dishonest in a monogamous relationship under the rules which are commonly and silently agreed upon in such a relationship. Rather than defying the idea that humans are not made for monogamy, these people embrace the idea, which I believe in itself is a concession of weakness and surrender to unrestrained physical indulgence. I don't see that as a virtue, though perhaps there was a time in my life when I thought it was. Part of the payoff of a relationship is knowing that you made sacrifices for the other person and even bigger than that in my mind is impenetrable loyalty. Loyalty being something I value more than just about anything. Non-monogamy seems to be an easy way to get out of making sacrifices in a relationship while believing that your desire to satisfy your own sexual desires is the greatest love of all and that loyalty is just a word that rhymes with royalty. It's actually kind of narcissistic when I really think about it.

The article seemed largely aimed at trying to prove that in non-monogomous relationships there are fewer problems because you have eliminated good old fashioned jealousy from the equation. Because you've given each other permission to be physically intimate with others (though you're supposedly not to become emotionally intimate - as if when you choose to become a non-monogamous couple you also attain a godlike status which exempts you from jealousy or other common human occurrences such as developing feelings that you didn't intend to develop), you can avoid the disappointment that comes with finding out you’ve been cheated on and presumably lied to. I never stop being amazed at how confident people are in the idea that they have control over their own minds and emotions. People seem to be in total denial about how little awareness and control one really has over the subliminal. Not everything is a choice. Some things just happen. Sometimes people are manipulated. Sometimes you lose control. Sometimes relationships fall apart because of the stress of involving outside parties in your sexually intimate life and trying to maintain a strong bond between the two original parties. I also don't get how in these types of relationships the physicality of sex and the emotional bonds of love are completely separated into two different categories. Once you start viewing sex as a purely physical thing where you can take emotions out of it at will, how does that affect the emotional sexuality in your primary relationship? So confusing...

I guess when it all comes down to it, I just don’t understand. Though I want my boyfriend to also be my best friend, I don’t want him to be my roommate. I understand the concept that honesty is important, and that these people believe that monogamy is an unnatural state of being for humans which breeds dishonesty and that in order to counteract that, people must allow a certain level of non-monogamy in exchange for a greater level of honesty. But I thought that it was all about trust in the first place. I don’t understand why a person cannot be expected to keep their word with respect to being faithful, but somehow they can be expected to keep their word with respect to following these “open relationship rules.” What is the difference except that in the latter instance, you are inviting a host of new problems into your life?

I will concede that the article made me think twice about the way I communicate with my boyfriend about fantasies that either of us might have, and that the level of jealousy that I experience on a regular basis is abnormal. I know that I have a problem. I live within a constant fear that I am vulnerable to losing the love of my life. It is not pretty. It is not attractive. It is not pleasant for either person. Many people look down on those who are jealous. They laugh. (Hell, I’ve laughed at others for being jealous) They turn their nose up and talk about how gauche it is to be jealous. Yes, it is a sign of deep seated insecurity. Yes it is unattractive. Yes it is tres uncool. But guess what? It’s human. For a long time I have tried to hide the fact that I’m jealous. It’s embarrassing. Other people scorn it. Other women see it as a weakness that then makes them even more likely to test you. You look for things and you find them because you looked so hard and then you wonder why you ever went looking because now you’re just left with more hurt, more jealousy.

Jealousy is pain. It is my own personal struggle. I have others, but this one is big. But I don’t want to be ashamed of it. I want to face it and deal with it and learn to let go. I don’t want to go around pretending that I would be okay with my boyfriend sexing up another woman as long as he was honest about it. I don’t think the answer is to blow the door open. I think the answer is definitely somewhere in learning to accept that my boyfriend is a human being with eyes in his head and testosterone coursing through his veins and that he is going to find other women attractive at times, but also in trusting that I have a man who is good enough that he will always stay true to me. And despite some of the more frustrating obstacles and painful realizations of our four year relationship, I know in my heart that he is that man. And I’m willing to put my faith in him. If he betrays that faith, or vice versa, that would be a heartbreaking bridge to cross if we came to it. But I don’t think it would be anymore heartbreaking than knowing that my boyfriend is shtucking another while I go about my happy-go-lucky business. It may sound like I don't trust my man because I grapple so much with jealousy. For the most part, this is not the case. Most of my issues with jealousy come from things I have witnessed in my own life prior to meeting my boyfriend that caused me to lose faith in men who I had previously thought incapable of doing wrong, though I won't go so far as to say that my own boyfriend has never done anything to make me doubt him. He has caused me to doubt, but he has never been unfaithful. As a teenager I was hit with the realization that even the best of people can find themselves in a situation where they cross the line into infidelity, sometimes repeatedly, and I lost a huge dose of optimism about human nature. In a sense, without wanting to, I have bought into the belief that no man is above cheating because it is somehow in their makeup. But I know in my heart of hearts that this is not true. Men and women both cheat and it is not society forcing us into monogamy as much as it seems to be forcing us further into the absence of it. I am still working on letting go of this crippling hangup that I have that even the best of men, when faced with temptation, are unable to walk away. It angers me that I've allowed myself to be afflicted by this belief. In order to let go of my own jealousy, I have to learn that not trusting certain men doesn't have to translate into not trusting all men, including my own.

Most people assume jealousy is always a result of low self esteem or insecurities about yourself physically or emotionally. I’ve always had pretty healthy self-esteem, though I won’t lie and say it’s not lacking in some areas at some times. I am secure in my intelligence, my sexiness, my ability to please my boyfriend from the kitchen to the bedroom. I think jealousy is an offshoot of possessiveness. In your belief that your love for another person puts you in a position to possess them, jealousy arises. Because this is yours. And the thought of anyone else having it is excruciating. Because you own it. Of course, we all know we can’t own other human beings. But that doesn’t stop us from feeling the same ownership emotions. I guess the key to releasing yourself and your love from your jealousy is to release the bonds of ownership. That doesn’t mean releasing the bonds of fidelity. There is a fine line between irrational jealousy and healthy territoriality. I would just like to get to the comfortable side.

I understand what these non-monogamists are trying to do. I just think it’s a misguided measure which erodes the foundation of the relationship rather than strengthening it. I tried to imagine Robert and I trying to solve the problems that we have by deciding that both of us can have sexual relationships outside of our relationship, but that we will stay together and it will make us better and stronger and more open and more free and more in touch with ourselves and each other and we will be best friends and we will never ever have to worry about jealousy because we will have this mutual agreement and we will be totally honest, and when I think of all these things I think it is the most horrible arrangement I can possibly imagine. And not just the thought of Robert being with other women, though I must admit that every time such a thought occurs in my head I feel a pang of anxiety, but the inevitable detachment that would come with all of this.

How can the bond be just as strong and become stronger when you’re working so hard to be detached from normal human emotions? (Assuming that jealousy is a normal human emotion, which I believe it is.) It doesn’t make sense to me. This was something not explained in the article by the couples who were interviewed; how that detachment makes them stronger, or if they are just learning to care less about each other while carrying on the pretense of a relationship because it fills one void in their lives. I don’t know of a way to give yourself completely to another person without also giving them the one and only key to physical intimacy. How can you make copies of that key, hand them out to others and then trust that your home is safe?

Finally, I don’t believe that monogamy is an unnatural state for humans. I believe that a desire for monogamy is engrained in us by much more than just cultural and societal norms. The idea that monogamy is unnatural is a concept that I believe was orchestrated by men who wanted to keep multiple wives as a symbol of their power and virility. The idea that monogamy is unnatural is actually the societal norm and it is assumed that we force ourselves into monogamy out of love. I disagree. I think it is a desire for monogamy that causes most of us to seek love. I want a relationship where I am so sexually attracted to my man that I would never think of going anywhere else. That is what I have. Maybe non-monogamy is more about settling for half the package and then going out and getting the other half elsewhere because in the end it all seems worth it. But I want the whole package, not some piecemeal. And I feel like if you have that, monogamy is not an institution that needs reworking. On the contrary: it is a blessing. This world is enough of a circus. I don't need my love life to be one.

As I said before, I'm not condemning those couples out there who choose to have unconventional relationships. But I resent being regarded as slightly pathetic and behind on the times for wanting total monogamy in my relationship.
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One thing I noticed I did not address above is trusting oneself. How could I have left that out? A lack of trust in oneself is related to a jealousy. There is nothing like a sense of guilt to make a person jealous at the same time. I learned that from my first boyfriend a/k/a the most jealous (and incidentally, most unfaithful) person I've ever dated, and I have found it to be true for myself over the years. I think that trusting yourself is one of the most important factors in whether or not you are going to be able to trust others. I still carry on a bit of self loathing from my past which leads to quite a bit of insecurity and jealousy. One thing I've noticed about Rob is that he trusts himself so much and he is almost never jealous when it comes to me. He is the most accepting, trusting person that I've ever been with. He's never out looking for clues or accusing me of having the hots for someone else. I think that says a lot about how much he himself can be trusted, but I'm not sure what it says about me...

I just felt that was important enough to add. Okay so I'm done. No more on that.

Posted by Maria at November 16, 2005 12:10 PM