In terms of blogging, I feel like the tortoise in a world full of hares. Don't worry, I'll catch up guys! I'sa comin'... just trying to gather my thoughts here...
I don't know at what point life began to feel intensely overwhelming to me, but it has shifted to that and I'm not crazy about it. I find that I'm constantly chastizing myself for all the ways in which I'm behind on absolutely everything. And it's not just an illusion either. It's real. I am behind on everything. The worst part is that it's stuff that matters. Not stuff I really want to delineate here specifically, as it is mostly personal affairs, but you know, business to take care of and essays and blog entries to write and household chores to tackle and bills looming and all kinds of crap. There's lots of business and not enough time in the day. The worst is that when you start to feel that way, you begin to defeat your own purpose. It's best to stay calm, take life one task at a time...deep breath...aaarghhh. I'm flailing.
I know I've written before about the anxiety I feel regarding the rapid passing of time. It gets away. Years pass. Things are still left undone. You start having reccurring dreams where none of the doors will close and something is always chasing you. (Don't have to be a fortune teller to read the symbolism in that.) You kick yourself again and again for not taking care of those things that are hanging over you, burdening your life and your conscience. This is the mantra of the procrastinator. The strange part is that I don't normally procrastinate about small things. It's the big things that I allow to fall at the wayside, only then they go on to haunt me for weeks and months and sometimes even years into the future.
I've got a lot on my mind. Can you tell?
I just finished reading a really good book that my dad mailed to me, called "Latina Self-Portraits." It is a compilation of interviews with Latina American writers: Julia Alvarez, Denise Chavez, Sandra Cisneros, Rosario Ferre, Cristina Garcia, Nicholasa Mohr, Cherrie Moraga, Judith Ortiz Cofer, Esmeralda Santiago and Helena Maria Viramontes. All of these women spoke so loud and clear to me from the page as I read their interviews that it was kind of amazing. I didn't expect to feel the way I felt about it. I didn't expect to identify with those women so much. But I did. Again and again I thought, "wow. This all makes so much sense to me." About writing. It made me think a lot about why I do it. Why I love writing. What I want to get out of it. It became more clear to me than ever while reading that book that not only do I have a lot to do before I will be ready to make a career of writing, but that is really where my most heartfelt mode of self expression and art is at. In the writing. That was a fuckin cool book. I have no idea if the next person would get the same feeling of inspiration from it as I did, but I would definitely recommend it to any female artist regardless of specific interest, but especially to any woman born and raised in the United States and trying to connect with her hispanic culture and artists spirit. Reading the words and thoughts of these excellent women writers was totally empowering.
Work has been crazy.
Rob and I are leaving for Oregon for our big summer vacation early Friday afternoon, so there's plenty to do to get ready. I'm very excited. I can't describe how excited I am, so I won't bother trying. Just trust me when I say it's going to be fantastic to be in Oregon. And now for some advice from your very own super duper Legal Secretary: You always want to make sure to take care of any unfinished filing and clean your desk if you're going to be out of the office on vacation. You don't want to get fired while you're away when your bosses realize how much paper you have stashed in your filing box and how much shit you have in your desk. So that's what I've been doing at work. Cleaning shoes and paystubs and overdue library books out of my desk and lots of filing. Filing is to one's desk as dishes are to one's sink. They never go away. You wash them and there's always going to be more in about five minutes, maybe less. If you let them pile up too long, they start to stink and you can't find anything. So it must be done. Though I did ask my boss this week if we could strike the word "filing" from my job description altogether and have someone else do it. He just smiled with that perplexed look that says "what is 'filing' and why does it trouble you so?". And much the same way that if I get Rob to do the dishes, I am dissatisfied with the job that he does, If I get someone else to do the filing - as the hypercritical virgo that I'm so good at being - I'm bound to be irritated with their system. It's a no win situation. The moral of the story is that two of the most annoying things on this planet are filing and dishes. They go in the book next to all the other things that we have no choice about in this life.
This is why we have to have things to look forward to. Like VACATION. (One of my favorite words in the English language.)
Posted by Maria at June 28, 2005 08:24 PMas one who just returned to work from a vacation, i totally agree with you. there's no better word in the english language. :) enjoy yourself -- have a great time.
Posted by: P at June 29, 2005 12:59 AMYou're right...you totally have to do the breathing thing and stop the overwhelming thoughts. I have to tell myself all the time that if one thing overwhelms me, then thinking about something else isn't going to help, because it will overwhelm me, too. Basically, it's the overwhelming goggles. Everywhere you look it'll be the same. So you gotta completely do something else, and put the thoughts away for another day. Or make a to-do list and fricking tell yourself you'll start tackling it. One of the two strategies ought to do it ;)
Have a great vacation.
Posted by: mona at June 29, 2005 01:43 AMI used to be behind in EVERYTHING, now I'm great at getting shit done, it comes with age and a tinge of guilt, there is only so much time and yeah, I'd rather be vacationing, but my mantra as of late has been; must get shit done. The reward is loverly, like I beat the bitch down, I win.
Posted by: Cupie at June 29, 2005 10:50 AMThis is going to be the best 4th of July EVER! I can't wait to see you baby cakes!
Posted by: geeekgirl at June 29, 2005 03:20 PMMaria,
As a fellow procrastonator (sp?), I completely identify with what you had to say. And I also find that a vacation is very helpful when there's plenty to do. I hope you have a kick-ass time in Oregon!! Happy Fourth! I'll be at Willamette Park watching the fire works and getting intoxicated if you're in Portland. If not, have a great time anyway and a vaction is the one time in life when you can absolutely forget all the shit you have to do and say fuck it and enjoy yourself regardless!!!