By Beauty Damned

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So have you ever seen that infomercial for the "Onesweep"? That black rubber thing stuck to the end of a long pole that magically picks up dirt and grime better than regular brooms and mops? Well, I pretty much never order anything off of the television, but the Onesweep had me. Not right at hello, but pretty soon thereafter. So I ordered it. I tried it right away outside on my stairs and in the laundry room on the cement floor. It worked okay, but I wasn't terribly impressed, so I stuck it in the corner by the fridge and didn't bother with it again for awhile.

Meanwhile, I've had two vacuum cleaners in the past three years and they've both broken down and/or lost suction. Cheap vacuum cleaners are the worst. My mom had a vacuum cleaner when I was a kid that was a big green tank which had to be dragged around the house while you cleaned, making for a laborious experience as a young kid. (My mother righteously put us to work with chores when we were old enough - a damn good thing since it taught us to be tidy.) Anyway, my mom's vacuum cleaner was big and ugly as far as us kids were concerned and we ridiculed her about it all the time. She would get upset and tell us that was the best vacuum she'd ever owned. She claimed it was made out of an airplane engine. She swore on her life that that is what the salesman had told her and she believed him absolutely. She'd had it forever and she loved it enough to defend it fiercely.

Years later she has still told me that she misses that thing. She eventually gave it up for other new fangled models and says she's never found one that good again. Now I totally understand where she was coming from. A good vacuum cleaner is hard to come by, and they're not cheap. Cheap ones are a waste of money.

So last night as I was sitting on my couch thinking about how disgusting the carpet looked and wondering if I should get a new vacuum cleaner or just get the old ones fixed, I got the bright idea to try out the Onesweep on the carpet as I'd seen done in the infomercial. Let me just tell you that it worked like a dream. Granted, it's a fucking workout and a half. My arms haven't felt that kind of burn since the last time I carried ten bags of groceries home at once and even that didn't give me the kind of deep, satisfying burn that this did. I went crazy. I did the whole living room and dining room. I felt like wonderwoman when I was done. Like I'd just lifted a car off of a trapped baby. My carpet was free. Dirt, hair and dust free. With a lot of pressure and short strokes, you can get the dirt out from between the fibers of the carpet with a thoroughness that you don't really seem to get with the average Bissel (those things totally suck, meaning that they totally don't suck at all).

I seriously don't want to do that every time I have to clean my carpet (though I could use the exercise), so I have decided to buy a new (hopefully higher quality) vacuum cleaner with the hopes that it will outperform the others, but in moments of extreme desperation for immediate cleanliness, this thing is more than effective.

So now you know. Tai Bo? Who needs it? Get your workout with the onesweep. Am I a great advertisement or what? My floor is clean and that's all I care about.