By Beauty Damned

My Not So Old Man

My dad has a new blog. Of course, it's fantastic. Look at me the little amateur next to my dad who just blows me right out of the water! ;o)

Seriously, though, you don't get better commentary than the stuff that comes out of Charles Carreon.

Take for example, his latest entry titled "What Howard Stern Needs to Learn from Laura Bush."

Though I did see snippets of Laura Bush's knee-slapping antics and was thoroughly embarrassed for every last person in the United States at the moment those "jokes" escaped our first lady's lips, this was something I failed to comment on, along with many other things that I've failed to comment on recently. I was disgusted when I saw that the press applauded Laura Bush's "thrilling sense of humor," while I found her jokes beyond tasteless coming from a woman who you would hope would have more class than that. This woman is a far cry from dignified. I think I have a pretty raunchy sense of humor, but her jokes struck me more in the gag reflex than in the funnybone. The very thought of her and Dubya trying to have sex (limpy limpertuns) and her and Lynn Cheney watching Desperate Housewives (as George Carlin once said "you can talk about fucking as much as you want on TV, but [according to the FCC] you can't say the word 'fucking'.") and going to Chippendales (isn't this administration against steroid use?), not to mention the most horrifying image of our dimwit prez "milking" a male horse (apparently, neither killing, nor lying, nor beastiality are against their religion), was enough to make me genuinely queasy. It also disturbs me that those who are presiding over the most somber issues of our world have the time to make those kinds of jokes. These imposters in the whitehouse have humiliated this country enough. I can never get over the feeling that they have hijacked the whole system. And what do their evangelical, right wing constituents think? Do they turn the other cheek in typical hypocritical fashion and pretend those remarks were never made, or are they disgusted and embarrassed too? It could be one of the few times we might agree on something. Is this what Dubya meant when he said he was going to restore dignity to the office of the president? Looks like it's working out famously.

But my dad points out the greatest irony of all:

First Lady Talks About Horse Penises, Harvests Accolades

Who has Laura Bush been talking with, that she is now able to toss off one-liners suggesting that the president gave a horse a handjob when he thought he was milking a cow? And who was she talking to, that they didn’t choke on their rubber chicken? If I had attempted to deliver a joke about my wife masturbating the livestock at any venue other than the seediest bar in town, my taste, even my sanity, would probably be called in question.

"Bill Berkowitz at TomPaine.com“

The most outrageous joke described the president’s early arrival at the ranch in Crawford, Texas: As a graduate of Andover and Yale, which “don’t have real strong ranching programs,” the president was ill-prepared. He was so out of his element that he tried to milk a horse—a male horse.

The first lady’s string of one-liners have been widely repeated in the weeks since the event. She started by interrupting the president—as per the script—and seizing the platform. Then, she mixed some light-hearted lines—”I am married to the president of the United States, and here's our typical evening: Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep, and I'm watching 'Desperate Housewives', with Lynne Cheney“ —with several sexed-up jokes — ”Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife. I mean, if those women on that show think they're desperate, they ought to be with George. One night, after George went to bed, Lynne Cheney, Condi Rice, Karen Hughes and I went to Chippendales,"—the home of buffed male strippers.

Answering the first question, where did she learn to talk like she needs her mouth washed out with soap? I think she’s just been hanging out with the Cheneys too much. Mrs. Cheney’s bodice-ripper novel, Sisters, about horny sluts in Renaissance outfits, is currently out of print after the administration nixed the reprinting deal, because the book wasn’t Mrs. Cheney’s “best work.” That’s an interesting reason for pulling the publication, I’d say. Graded on that basis, most writers wouldn’t have more than one book in print, and I’m not sure what her “best work” might be, but I bet you it wasn’t on a par with Don Quixote. Perhaps we should put all her work out of print if none of it turns out to be better than “Sisters.” Of course, unlike most other authors, she doesn’t have any pressing financial need. Oil sells better than books.

Answering the second question, Laura let fly her bon mots at the annual White House Correspondents' Association dinner late last month, and according to the toadying press, the First Lady’s crudity hit their funny bone. You'd think they'd be jealous. The President's wife gets to say stuff they'll lose their jobs for trying. Loose talk about penises is what caused the FCC to fine Howard Stern off the air for, right?

"Roman Bystrianyk and Meryl Barr at oped.com“

On February 26, [2005] Clear Channel Communications pulled Howard Stern off its six stations that carry his syndicated show as part of the radio giant's new “zero tolerance” policy against indecency on the airwaves. As a reason for the action, Clear Channel cited Stern's interview on Tuesday with Rick Solomon, the man who was filmed having sex with hotel heiress and Fox reality star Paris Hilton in a video widely distributed on the Internet. According to a transcript released by Clear Channel, Stern asked Solomon about his sexual practices and referred to the size of certain body parts. Using a racist term, a caller asked Solomon if he had ever had relations with any famous black women. “It was vulgar, offensive and insulting, not just to women and African-Americans but to anyone with a sense of common decency,” said chief executive officer John Hogan.

What Howard Stern Needs To Learn

Stern was run off the air by Clear Channel because he talked about human penises. As an attorney, I'm not advising you to start a bestiality website, but in the search for a principled legal distinction, I'm forced to say that there appears to be greater tolerance for jokes about animal sex. Clearly it would be off-base to suggest that different standards of ”decency“ might be applied to the First Lady's words than those of a ”Shock Jock“ like Howard. As for whether it's safer to discuss having sex with a horse than having sex with Paris Hilton, perhaps we could ask Alberto Gonzales for guidance — he's helped so much to legitimize bondage by raising the bar on what consitutes torture, perhaps he can help us to develop some bright-line rules on where to draw the line on bestiaility.

Looking at business opportunities here, as I always do, inquiring minds want to know: Does this open the way for celebrity sites showing pictures of the First Lady indulging in a little revenge sex with her groom — a male who isn't asleep at 9 p.m.? Is it open season for photoshop projects showing a clueless president ”milking a cow," i.e., masturbating a stallion? Are these the next Hot domain names: PresidentHorseFucker.com? BestialPresident.com? FirstPerv.com? Ah, for that kind of advice, you have to pay!

Now go read the rest of what he's got to say! You might even learn something. This man means business.

Posted by Maria at May 16, 2005 09:49 PM