By Beauty Damned

Blathering On

There must be something stirring in the universe today that is causing chaos and interpersonal conflict.

It's been a pretty dreary, rough day. I feel like I woke up this morning and got sucked into an emotional wormhole and I'm not quite to the other side yet. Personal shit, ya know? I thought I should get out of the house to clear my headspace. Distract myself with shopping. I decided to go to the department store to buy a new pair of gloves because I've just been wearing a cheap pair and it's been too damn cold to be wearing cheap gloves. I wanted a pair that would match the scarf that Darcie made for me for Christmas. The scarf is all blues and greens, super soft shades. I found a pair of blue/grey Blumarine gloves that go beautifully with it. They are suede and cashmere. If a pair of sumptuously soft gloves can't cure a feeling of woe, then you're probably pretty fuckin down. And I can say quite honestly, this morning, it didn't help as much as I'd hoped. My worries sat in the pit of my stomach like a lead weight and being in a department store didn't make me feel better, it made me feel worse. So after purchasing my new gloves I left and walked down the street to the pharmacy and bought a huge bottle of bubble bath, some facial cleanser and a new shampoo. I figured a nice smelling bath when I got home might help. I took my time getting back to the train, not feeling a great deal of anticipation about going back home and having the solitude all around me. Talked on the phone a bit. Emily called and it was great to talk to her. I decided to call my mother, which turned out not so great. Every once in awhile I feel like I say something and it is taken the wrong way, or maybe I say things the wrong way, but whatever the case, the result is near disastrous sometimes. Like today when I infuriated my mother within about ten seconds flat of getting on the telephone with her. Apparently, I have a real talent for unwittingly pushing her buttons. So that didn't really make my day.

I received all my Kaplan study materials in the mail and started looking through the books and flashcards. It looks like the english and verbal areas of the test are going to be the easy part for me, which is no big surprise. The math is going to be a challenge, but if I recall correctly, I am not terrible at math, I just have trouble retaining the information for a long period of time and I don't particularly enjoy looking at numbers, but that's something I'm going to have to overcome. I plan to get really good at math over the next couple months and be right and ready to take my test on May 7. I'm very excited about embarking on this path. I have never felt excited about studying for and taking a test before. You heard it here first.

New York is still freezing and covered in snow. It's everywhere in gigantic dirty heaps. It's been so cold that the snow and ice haven't been given a chance to melt. So despite the last snow being a week ago, it still looks like an urban winter wasteland. Rob and I were driving from our friends' house last night. When we got off the freeway near my neighborhood there was a vast expanse of snow, untouched except for the edges which had been pushed up by plows and splattered with grime. I wanted to get out and run around in it, but it wasn't the place to stop and play and it was frigid out. For the most part the snow all over the city has been trashed and shoved around and driven over and resembles nothing close to the magical wonderland that it is during the first few hours of snowfall. I guess that's the nature of everything in this universe. Like a flower, everything wilts, transforms, and eventually decomposes.

I have been trying to enjoy the winter despite the cold. The last few weeks have been brutally cold (on my own personal scale of course), and today was the first day in awhile that we've reached back into real double digit temperatures. Since living in New York, I've learned that the keys to a happy winter are a good pair of boots, warm socks and undergarments, and a lot of sweaters. I have become a sweater person since I moved here, which I never really was before. I'm sweater crazy. Everything except turtlenecks. I can't wear a fucking turtleneck no matter how cold it is, but I find other ways to keep very warm. Luckily, they make women's sweaters in a great variety these days. In fact, I think women's winterwear has come a really long way. I bought a great pair of Timberland boots this fall that turned out to be defective, so I had to send them back, of course, right before the coldest time of the entire year. But my replacements are on the way and I can't wait to get them. Buying good quality cold weather clothing makes for a much more tolerable winter.

All the same, I miss the warm weather desperately and can barely wait for the return of spring and summer.