By Beauty Damned

For Posterity

This deserves a thread of its own. My dad Charles Carreon's Best of 2004:

Woman of the Year: Bunnatine H. Greenhouse, Chief Contracting officer for the Army Corps of Engineers, who complained that Halliburton Company was unfairly awarded $2 billion in contracts at the Pentagon, and remains in her job despite savage attacks from rabid legal attack dogs.

Man of the Year: Split between (1) Eliot Spitzer, the only man on the Eastern Seaboard not afraid of Karl Rove, providing the only legal check on rampant corporate corruption in the financial system, and (2) Michael Moore, the only man with enough media savvy to end-run Hollywood’s blockade of his movie, heroically smuggling his fellow citizens vital information about the Saudi-Bush Axis of Betrayal.

Largest Sellout In History: John Kerry, who promised that every vote would be counted “this time,” instead surrendered just like his cowardly predessor-in-defeat, Al Gore, frustrating the effort to obtain fair vote-counting in disputed areas. Kerry’s prompt surrender gave Bush’s fraudulent results just what they needed – a pass to the White House.

Worst Choice of Companions: John Edwards.

Most Likely To Say “I Told You So”: Ralph Nader.

Most Frightening Lawyer: Alberto Gonzales, who is to lawyers what Dr. Josef Mengele was to physicians, a betrayer of all that is good in the profession. This piece of work, whose greatest regret is that he missed the Inquisition, greased his ascent to the position of Attorney General by drafting legal opinions explaining that terrorists have no human rights, that the President is the supreme identifier of terrorists, and that when interrogating terrorists, it is not torture to nearly drown them repeatedly, even if this causes them to believe that they are being killed, if in fact they were not nearly-killed. This is called an objective test, for those of you who are not lawyers. When Gonzales is Attorney General, we will have a real Head of the Secret Police.

Best Female Vocalist: Linda Ronstadt, for inciting a Vegas lounge crowd to riot when she tried to honor Michael Moore with a performance of “Desperado,” thereby inadvertently restarting her own career. What goes around comes around.

Shallowest Individual of The Year: Paris Hilton, for making looking like a pretty girl seem like a low, depraved thing, and making pretty girls wonder just how low and depraved they should really be.

Last Woman To Get A Clue That Her Husband Is Cheating On Her With His Secretary: Laura Bush.

The Only Man Bush Envies: Vladimir Putin.

Best Male Porno Duo: The Mike Ovitz and Mike Eisner performance in Delaware Chancery Court, in which Eisner tried to prove it was equally wise for Disney to hire Ovitz and to fire him a few months later with a $140 Million goodbye bonus. Back in the day, Ovitz demonstrated little gratitude for the 9-figure settlement, blaming his ouster on a Hollywood homosexual conspiracy masterminded by David Geffen. The charisma between Eisner and Ovitz hit a fever pitch during the trial that had been demanded by Disney shareholders who found Ovitz’s treatment at Eisner’s hands a little too friendly. While spurning the most fulsome of Ovitz’s kisses, Eisner nevertheless swallowed Ovitz’s pumped-up estimates of his own value, giving shareholders a performance that would have been obscene in a prior Hollywood era.

Most In Need Of Being Shot With A Taser By A Jeering Crowd of Street-People: Bernard Kerik, former head of the NYPD during 9/11, and former partner in business with Rudy Guiliani at "Guiliani/Kerik," had his pretensions to National Security Tsar-dom dynamited by disclosure of his connections to the Gambino Crime Family, and his sexual liasons from a love hutch overlooking the WTC crater. Softening the blow of being refused admission to the high office of Head of Homeland Security, Bernard was recently promoted to millionaire-status when he sold $5.3 Million of TASER company stock, which he received in exchange for pumping this lethal product in the law-enforcement marketplace. TASER stock plunged shortly thereafter when it was disclosed that the company falsified reports claiming the product was safe when it has actually been associated with dozens of deaths in the field, and was only tested once by the company on any living being -- a pig. Time to try it out on another pig, and see if it's still safe.

Deposed Leader Most Likely To Seek Exile In A Foreign Nation: Split between (1) former president of Spain Jose Maria Aznar, and (2) ex-Ukrainian Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych. Aznar lost his seat after he tried to convince Spaniards that Basque separatists had bombed the Madrid train station, rather than Islamic extremists, in order to deflect criticism of his decision to send 1,000 Spanish troops to Iraq as part of the "COW" alliance (Coalition Of the Willing) cobbled together by GW Bush. Yanukovych was unable to hold onto his fraudulent electoral win despite support and military threats emanating from Vladimir Putin's Russian stronghold. Perhaps these two should have swapped sources of support -- Spaniards generally have no beef with the Kremlin, but Aznar was tarred by his support of Bush, who had forced them to re-instigate hostilities against the Islamics after centuries of peace. Yanukovych, on the other hand, needed someone like Bush, who has more experience in fixing elections than Putin, who usually acts more directly to overthrow the opposition (think Chechnya).

Most Likely To End Up Sharing Speaking Fees With Bill Clinton: Colin Powell.

Least Likely To End Up In Prison In 2005: Split between Osama Bin Ladin and Michael Jackson.

Most Likely To Be Discovered To Be A Space Alien: Dick Cheney.

Most Likely To Be Exonerated By DNA Testing: The man being held in custody as "Saddam Hussein."

Least Likely To Be Mentioned By Bush In Any Speech Whatsoever: Achmed Chalabi, First Puppet Leader of American Iraq.

Industries Most Likely To Require Bailouts During 2005: The Airlines that received bailouts in 2002, and now need dessert.

World Currency Least Likely To Recover Its Buying Power in the Next Five Years: The U.S. Dollar.

Asset Most Likely To Lose Value In 2005: The American home.

People Least Likely To Find A Job In 2005: Those who didn't have one in 2004.

Person Least Likely To Learn From His Mistakes: The United States Demander In Chief, who has made no mistakes, of which he has knowledge.

Posted by Maria at January 1, 2005 06:45 PM | TrackBack