I CANNOT BELIEVE that people are still forwarding me the same stupid hoax emails that have been circulating the net since its invention. Someone just sent me that "forward this email to 20 people and Bill Gates will send you money" email. Does anyone actually still believe that? Criminey people. Try snopes.com. It's a wonder how little time it takes to prevent yourself from looking gullible and exasperating your friends via email.
I think this was my favorite response to a hoax email that I've seen. It was posted on Craigslist a long time ago but it still makes me laugh my ass off when I go back and read it.
We all know about these scams by now: You get an email claiming so and so of Lagos or Kenya has died in a horrible accident and if you help the group repatriate the money he had (usually millions) they'll give you a cut of it. Well, I often have free time on my hands and a fake email account so I love to take these guys to task. Below is a complete email transcript between me (this time posing as Dr. John Bigbootie of Yoyodyne industries) and a Nigerian Email Scammer (This time posing as Rev. Edward Franck, the beloved protectorate of rich orphans). Enjoy!
His contact email to me:Posted by Maria at November 22, 2004 10:51 PM | TrackBackFROM FATHER Edward Franck.
ST PETERS CATHOLIC CHURCH
TRECHVILLE AV12 RUE 19
ABIDJAN-COTE D’IVOIREI know this letter will come to you as a surprise, when God remembers his people, this is how miracle will come to them.Let me introduce myself to you. I am REV.Edward Franck in St. Peters Cahtolic(sic) church in Abiodjan Cote d’ivoire I heard the death of Dr. And Mrs. Johnson williams from the republic of South Africa. Before his death, Dr. Johnson was an Ambassedor of South Africa in Cote d’ ivoire. They are my church members, they went home for the christmas holidays on the 5th December 2002 and on the 12th December, they had a ghastly motor accident in which the wife died instantly and Dr. Johnson Williams died five days later in the hospital.
After their burial, His three (3) children came to me in Abidjan here, His eldest daughter Grace Williams, disclosed to me what her late father told her before his death, that her father deposited two metallic Trunck Boxes containing $12.5million in a private security and safe deposit company here in Abidjan Cote d’ivoire. According to her, she said that her late father registered these
Boxes as family valuable properties not as money for security reasons...blah, blah, blah......I told her that no one can assist them without any comission, then we dioscussed to give you 15% of the total amount of the money for you to assist them in this following ways:
(I love this line, apparently I'm already his sweetheart!)
My dear, these is the ways I want you to help them. To help them get resident permit to stay in your country. To make sure that they continue their education in your country....Best Regards,
Father Edward Franck
Co ordinator.How tragic, who could say no to that? Certainly not Dr. John Bigbootie, head of Yoyodyne industries, Devout cahtolic (sic), sworn enemy of poverty, injustice and Dr. Buckaroo Banzai. However, John needs a bigger piece of the pie:
Father Franck,
I am a hard man but a fair one. I did not get to be head of Yoyodyne industries by being a softy. But as a fellow Cahtolic I must do my part to help. I, however will want 40 % of the 12.5 million. That comes to just shy of 5 million. Risky ventures require big payoffs, I'm sure you understand. Contact me with the details.Sincerely,
John Bigbootee
CEO, Yoyodyne IndustriesCertainly now Dr. John was hooked. However, Father Franck couldn't help but renegociate the fake terms with me. Those money grubbing Cahtolic Priests!
On Mon, 09 Feb 2004 03:52:13 -0800 edward franck <********@yahoo.com>
wrote:Dear Friend,
I have received your mail and I have discussed with the family members.They will be willing to release 25% to you for your participation. Please write back immediately with details of your telephone lines so that I can call you.With Love,
Father FranckWell, Dr. John didn't get to be head Alien from Planet Lectroid by being a
sucker!, He knows haggling when he sees it, It was also time to let Father
know he was dealing with a big man, the inventor of the Oscillation
Overthruster (with Dr. Emilio Lazardo), only slightly less powerful than
the 'Flux Capacitor':Father,
as you well know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I'll need 35% to do the deed. Please discuss with the family and then get back to me. I need a return that justifies the risk. You may have reviewed our company online, and if so, you are familiar with our most famous product, the oscillation overthruster. We are currently working on version 2.0, which has been very costly. If I am to use our capital funds to help this family out(it's not illegal because we are a privately held company), I must ensure the safety of our company. So tell me is Franck a German name, or is is Dutch originally?Sincerely,
John Bigbootee
CEO, Yoyodyne IndustriesFather Franck had no choice but to up the offer for such a bigwig Also, it might have to do with the fact that clearly Father Franck was falling in love a little, I think:
On Sat, 14 Feb 2004 11:20:57 -0800 edward franck wrote:
Dear Sir,
I have delayed in replying this mail to you because I have to discuss in detail with the family.We understand that you will use most of your time in trying to help ,but I also want you to understand that the family really need this money for their future.Please in the name of christ,accept 30%.Then Like I demanded in my previous mail.Furnish me immediately with your private telephone line so that we can constantly be in discussion.Most importantly send down your physical address so that we will know you very well.
When I have received these details that I have demanded,I will give to you the contact of the security company and their website.We will also plan our Procedure of action.
With Blessings in the name of Christ.
With Love, (See! See! He loves me!)
Rev. FranckFather Franck has a short temper and is very demanding. These qualities turn on Dr. John Bigbootie, but also remind him of his arch-nemeses: Dr. Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Hong Cavaliers. Time to find out just who we're dealing with, in trade, Dr. John will accept his offer:
Dearest Father Franck:
I would be willing to supply the 30 percent if you can provide me with the following answers to assuage my fears. I would have to give you access to our computers here at Yoyodyne, which apart from handling who can and cannot access our money, also contains plans for such things as the new and improved Ocsillation Overthruster, so bear with my questions, even if they seem odd to you:1. Please tell me the precise date of the tragic accident.
2. Are you now, or have you ever been affiliated with an organization called the Hong-Kong Cavaliers?
3. what are the levels of education for the 4 children? (This will help them attain residency.
4. Have they been baptized in Christ?
5. Do you know of, or have ever met a Dr. B. Banzai of the Banzai institute?
6. Are you a member of or affiliated with World Watch Online, Banzai
Action Team, NASA or the World Space Exploration League (WoSEL)?Thank you,
Dr. John BigbootieWell, father franck was more than happy to answer the questions:
On Wed, 18 Feb 2004 16:27:11 -0800 edward franck wrote:
Dear friend in the Lord,
I will answer your questions in the order you asked them:1) The Precise date of the accident is 12th December 2002
2)I have no affilliation with an Order in Hong Kong
3)The eldest daughter was in the University,while the other two were still in secondary school.
4)They have allbeen baptised in Christ.
5)I have no connection with Dr Banzai.I do not know him.
6)I am not affilliated with any On-line team.I hope the above answers did justice to your questions.Meanwhile, it is very important that we understand that these children are suffering and need immediate assistance. It is important that you send your physical address and your telephone contacts so that I can call you.
Meanwhile call me on this number immedaitely you receive this mail for a better discussion. My number is:*************.
Remain Blessed,
Father FranckHowever, Dr. John was no idiot. Only Buckaroo Banzai would hyphenate the
word 'Online'. Time to call his bluff!:I'm afraid I don't believe you. Luckily I have agents in the Cote d'Iviore, most notably John Whorfin and John Smallberries. They tell me Dr. Buckaroo Banzai has been seen there recently with the Hong Kong Cavaliers. They claim they were there just to do a benefit show, but I know better, they're snooping on our plant, trying to trace the diamonds we use in the Oscillation Overthruster! Will you stop at nothing Dr. Banzai? I fear this means our transaction has come to an end.
I will stop you and your mad band of swashbucklers someday!
Dr. John Bigbootie
But The reverend was not to be pushed away from such a prize hen as Dr.
Bigbootie. He had one more go, this time, feigning innocence:Dear Sir Big Bootie,
I am sorry I dont know what you are talking about.We are very honest People here.
Regards
Father FranckI'm sir Bigbootie! I love it! The FINAL RESPONSE:
So you say. I've been consulted by my colleague John Longjohn and he has told me there is no such place as Cote D'ivoire! Also, apparently, the correct way to spell 'Franck' is 'Frank'! Next you'll claim that English is not your first language, when we know for a fact that everybody in the whole world speaks English! And are you a Reverend or a Father? Your story isn't even Straight! We cahtolics know better. Can you even recite the Five Psalms of Ack-al'baathat Glorg, Overlord of Omicron Perseii 8? If you can't you can hardly claim to be a cahtolic!
Banzai, I know it is you! Give up this farce and face me in one on one combat!
There was no response. To this day, Dr. Buckaroo Banzai remains at large.
Here's a whole website dedicated to scamming the scammers. 419 eater
Posted by: Geoffrey at November 22, 2004 10:56 PMyou sure that wasn't my mom that sent that to you? she's a bit of a 'net tard.
Posted by: girl at November 23, 2004 12:35 AMOlder people getting computers for the first time in their lives...holy shit I get the most garbage from my mother in law, Jason's grandparents...I'm about ready to block their email..haha.
Posted by: Sandy at November 23, 2004 03:29 AMHA! We got my grandmother, 92, that tv email crap. She forwards me EVERYTHING. She can't figure out the shift lock either, SO whEN ShE SENDS me email, they ALL COmE OUT LIke this.
Posted by: Geoffrey at November 23, 2004 08:36 AMI hate the ones that require you to forward the email to 10 people and then something "cool" will happen, but if not certain death!
I most recently got one from a good friend, it had several stories of bad things that happened to people after they didn't forward the message, lost loved ones, sickness and death. It said you would have bad luck if you didn't forward it to ten people. I glanced up at the address line and noticed friend emailed it to me and 9 others.
Part of me couldn't blame her for not wanting to take the superstitious chance but the other part of me was angry at her for dumping it in my lap.
I am still alive, as I thought I would be.
Posted by: Darcie at November 23, 2004 10:56 AMoh dear god, Geoffrey. half caps are one of the few things that will send me into a rage when either reading an e-mail or talking to someone on IM. I have to pull out my AOL to English dictionary.
Posted by: girl at November 23, 2004 06:54 PMShe's 92, so I cut her some slack.
Posted by: Geoffrey at November 23, 2004 07:11 PMWhile we're on the subject of annoying emails, this was by far the worst one that I've ever received. For no reason other than that it came from a co-worker and I felt like knocking her block off when I read it.
If you never accept Jesus Christ,
HELL IS WAITING FOR YOU!
So please, ask Him into your heart.
Please show this to everyone you care about.
((which should be everybody))
IF SOMEONE HAD A GUN HELD IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE,
AND ASKED YOU IF YOU BELIEVED IN GOD,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
SAY NO AND FEEL ASHAMED THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
OR SAY YES, I DO, AND DIE STANDING UP FOR GOD?
IF YOU'D SAY NO, THEN DELETE THIS E-MAIL.
IF YOU WOULD STAND UP FOR JESUS CHRIST, THEN
SEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND THE
PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU
Do not guilt trip me into accepting Jesus into my heart. If I decide I want to let him into my heart, I'll do so, without being told that his purported love is conditional upon me forwarding an email to everyone on my email list. I mean, come on. How tacky can you get?
Posted by: Maria at November 23, 2004 07:30 PMheh. Boy's family sends us Bible thumper nonsense all of the time, but nothing as threatening as that.
that reminds me of a Fundamental Baptist church that I went to with a friend of mine once, in Michigan. apparently I had no idea what I was getting myself into. the sermon that day was all about being baptized and how if you don't get baptized, you're going straight into the fiery pits of hell. I sat their twitching and twiddling my thumbs the whole time, hoping no one was watching me. I walked out at the end and said, "well, if I didn't feel like a heathen before, I sure as hell do now."
I went to church a couple of times with Boy's parents when we first started dating, more out of respect than anything. but neither of us bother anymore. I don't set foot in them anymore unless there's a wedding or a funeral.
Posted by: girl at November 23, 2004 07:41 PMYeah I've been to Catholic church several times. (Everyone on my dad's side except him is Catholic) The only time church was fun was in Mexico because we went in the afternoon instead of early in the morning. The sermon was short and everyone socialized and ate good food afterwards. A sugary churro and a couple steak tacos are a pretty decent reward for enduring a couple hours in church.
I also went to Jehovah's Witness Kingdom Hall more than a few times because my best friend and her family when I was in grade school tried to convert me - obviously, they failed.
Posted by: Maria at November 23, 2004 08:04 PMI also went to Jehovah's Witness Kingdom Hall more than a few times because my best friend and her family when I was in grade school tried to convert me - obviously, they failed.
I dated a JW. in fact, we were engaged. I was also very young (18 or 19) and very naive. I had some good times with him, but man, that religion is whack. we were having a conversation one day about having children and how relgion would affect that. they don't believe in blood transfusions b/c they think you should die with the blood you were born with. so I asked him if one of our children were dying and they needed a blood transfusion if he would allow them to have one. he said no b/c "Jehovah would take care of them if it wasn't their time." as you can probably imagine, that tipped me over the edge. I went completely batshit on him. that was pretty near the end of our relationship. that was also the one and only time I ever got pissed off enough that I caused myself harm (I punched a wall and hurt the HELL out of my hand. very stupid move.)
Posted by: girl at November 23, 2004 08:23 PMI have a good friend who's a JW. He never talks about it, though. He just does his thing.
Posted by: Geoffrey at November 23, 2004 09:31 PMI've just noticed that most people who are raised in JW families, do not STAY JW as adults. It seems to be a religion that most people convert to as adults. Most kids I've known who've been raised by JWs have been mental. The first guy I ever made out with was one and he got in BIG trouble when his parents found out he had his eye on me. They are some really strict parents.
They should take a lesson from the Amish and let their kids have a right of passage/self exploration period before they are forced to continue being JWs in adulthood.
Girl, the total lack of questioning that is inherent in the JW religion is what really turned me off. That thing about the blood transfusion is TOO MUCH. I would ask questions and every answer was just "because it says so in the bible." There was no spiritual depth to any of it. Christianity is the same when it comes to the justification of beliefs but it is also an older religion and most people who call themselves Christians do not adhere as strictly to the bible and their "beliefs" as Jehovahs Witnesses do. Not to discriminate against their religion or anything, but that shit is whack. For me.
Posted by: Maria at November 23, 2004 09:40 PMI'm Catholic and I'm raising my son and soon to be son that way. They are changing their ways. My church is progressive and they've thrown out that fire and brimstone - scare the shit out of you approach. It's much better now than when I was little.
One thing that still rocks are the summer festivals. Rides, games and FOOD. My area is very Polish so there is a lot of awesome Polish food to be had. I do at those festivals what I used to do at Cedar Point - eat at every tent. Then go on rides and barf. It was like thriller bulimia. Never gained any weight and had a blast. :-)
Posted by: Rosemary the Queen of All Evil at November 23, 2004 11:45 PMI have family members who are members. Actually, they can be disfellowhipped (excommunicated) for asking too many questions about the Watchtower Society's past. So, when you've lost all your friends and family when you join the organization (it frowns on relationships with non-JWs), you'll never want to be disfellowshipped, because you'll be shunned, completely alone, and according to JW theology, WTS is God's sole channel of communication and the only true church. If you're not one of them, you'll never survive Armegeddon. These are things that brand them as a cult or, at least, not a Christian religion.
Their doctrines change so much that what was true just five years ago, is total error today.
Blood transfusions: They actually leave it up to the person now, but they won't tell you this going door to door. It actually didn't become an issue until about 1952. Before that, they were forbidden to receive smallpox vaccines based on the same verses. JW kids were taken to "doctors" who'd burn them with acid and it would look like a vaccination mark. The doc would then sign the certificate, and the JW kid could then go to school, unprotected.
Posted by: Sandman at November 24, 2004 12:15 AMi>I have family members who are members. Actually, they can be disfellowhipped (excommunicated) for asking too many questions about the Watchtower Society's past. So, when you've lost all your friends and family when you join the organization (it frowns on relationships with non-JWs), you'll never want to be disfellowshipped, because you'll be shunned, completely alone, and according to JW theology, WTS is God's sole channel of communication and the only true church. If you're not one of them, you'll never survive Armegeddon. These are things that brand them as a cult or, at least, not a Christian religion.
Sounds a lot like the Mormons. Except they love Green Jell-o
Posted by: Connie at November 24, 2004 11:56 AM