(I couldn't bear to title it "Losin My Religion" though I admit I was tempted)
Choses asked me in one of my threads about why I no longer practice Tibetan Buddhism. As I was writing my response I realized that it was such a long story, I might as well devote an entire post to it.
So here's the scoop on religion in my life:
My father was raised a strict Catholic (military school and the whole lot). My mother was raised Mormon (blech). They both felt very confused and unsatisfied with these religions, so when they were 18 and 19 they decided to travel the world in search of another faith. They found Tibetan Buddhism. Upon returning to the United States they found a teacher in Ashland, Oregon, named Gyaltrul Rinpoche. He escaped from Tibet during the Chinese invasion and came to the U.S. where he teaches buddhism. (He's very, very old now). My parents were a huge part of the beginning of Tibetan Buddhism in that area and helped build the most authentic buddhist monastery and statues in the United States. Buddhism was our life. We lived it and breathed it on a daily basis.
When I was four years old we moved to Los Angeles so that my dad could go to UCLA law school. When he finally got out and we had a real house it became one of the main centers for buddhist practice in Santa Monica. We had lamas and monks staying at our house frequently and held pujas and practice there on a regular basis. My mother devoted her life to buddhism. She completed her nundro, which is one of the most extensive levels of daily meditation. She sewed special curtains and cushions and built thrones and transcribed teachings and hosted events and poured her heart and soul into it. As children, we were given the option to participate. It was never forced upon us, but we did it gladly most of the time. We sat and practiced with the rest of the group, we said our seven line prayers before bed and participated in all the traditional rituals that went along with the faith.
My parents worked and worked for ten years in Los Angeles so that we could move back to Oregon, to the Colestin Valley, where the monastery and the statues are. They invested in a hundred acres of land and when the time finally came, we made the big move. But a lot had changed in ten years and there was a whole new group of people who didn't recognize or really respect the contributions my family had made. One particular man who had bought land near ours had a huge fortune and his money began to dictate many facets of what was supposed to be a humble religion. When my parents fought this change and others which trivialized and defeated the purpose of buddhism, and religion in general, they became outcasts and my mother was shunned, becoming a heretic.
She had a huge revelation about what buddhism meant to her and felt that she had wasted much time devoting herself to all kinds of outdated traditions and practices that didn't really apply to her life or that of her family, though many of the basic beliefs still did apply. She decided that she was going to step outside of the "rules" and beat her own path.
In the meantime, I became a teenager. I started smoking, hanging out with skateboarders and musicians, going to parties, experimenting with psychadelics and generally exploring the world around me. At that time religion was squeezed out of my life completely by all of my other "activities." I scarcely found time to go to high school much less sit down to say a hundred and eight mantras daily. By the age of 18 I was tired. I'd already been to bars, gotten tattooed, had lots of boyfriends, partied day in and day out and I wanted some type of structure in my life. I got married (which didn't last), got a good job, and thought about practicing buddhism again. I still couldn't find the time or the devotion within myself. My sister remained a devoted buddhist, serving in the monastery and traveling to Nepal to continue Tibetan language and religious studies until she went off to a university in California. (She's four years younger than me).
When my marriage "fell apart" I finally picked up that mala again and started to say those prayers. It felt so good. Like it was the only thing to hang onto when I started to get sad or feel lost. But the meaning was gone. I wasn't living it and breathing it anymore. It wasn't the integral part of my existence that it was when I was a child. It will always be a huge part of who I am, why I think the way I do, why I see the world with these eyes and it will always have a huge role in my belief system. But it was all learned and ingrained in me in a completely different context. It just didn't make sense to go through the motions on such a different level than what I had been brought up with. It felt half assed. I have spirituality. I have my view of the world and of mortality. I don't need to say the same prayer 108 times every day to make that a reality. I believe in reincarnation. I believe in karma. I believe in rebirth and hell realms and good and evil. And I love the beautiful stories that are often used in buddhism to illustrate these points. But I don't need to rely on every last antiquated tradition and symbolism to make all of that real to me and I definitely don't feel the need to surround myself with people who have all kinds of selfish notions and hoity toitiness about being buddhist or new agey purple crystal people who have these bizarre ideas about what it is to begin with.
So it is here, in my heart.
Posted by Maria at June 17, 2003 11:56 AM | TrackBackOld story....once upon a time, there was a monastery upon a high mountain. At this monastery they served 2 kinds of coffee. For the first kind, they charged you $2 per cup. The second kind was $200 per cup.
When asked to explain the differance between the two coffees, the monks would reply, "$198 dollars".
Ahhh, zen...:)
Posted by: evilmike at June 17, 2003 07:30 PMHaaa! You're silly.
...And I just keep on laughing...very cute.
Posted by: Maria at June 17, 2003 07:37 PMMaria,
Mantras notwithstanding. If what I have noticed to date with respect to your perspective on humanity, human rights, balance and respect is a direct result (or at least a partial result) of your religious upbringinging, I'm with the Buddhists hands down.
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That just it. With the greater number of purported Christians I know it's "their way or the highway"... simply no allowance for diversity. But here with what you were afforded as a child, you are light years ahead of those who are constricted and restricted by the confines of that nasty myopic religion...
My money's on the Mormon and the Catholic boy :)
Posted by: Chosesinconnues at June 17, 2003 10:27 PMYes, I have been in the Dharma a long time and can identify with all the Dharma-Drama that you speak about. Really, it's just best to stay close to the Teachings of Lord Buddha. It is the age of degeneration.
Posted by: Dorje at July 27, 2003 04:13 PMwhen we think all sorts of people "out there" are being selfish to the person "in here" I think we havn't really understood the teachings of the Buddha. The Buddhas many words are really just boiling down to this "so called" person in here that those "so called" people out there are being selfsih to, don't exist from their own side. It's our karma to see them that way and when we form some kind of world view based on that projection than we have bought our selves yet another ticket to ride the cyclic of suffering. If we can stop this type of labeling we can step out of the cycle and possibly find the way to liberation one day. The only way to happiness is understanding that our suffering is a result of our past actions and is not brought onto us by others in a concrete way. Once we really take responsability for this we can start to see the true nature of our mind, that has been burried under our projections of others being a certain way. Once we see all of this is trully empty we can get in touch with the true nature of reality which is total bliss. If it isn't total bliss means we have too many projections blocking it's view. Instead of blaming others, as that will bring no happiness, we can find a Lama we trust and do our nundros. We will purify so much garbage this way that we will be able to actually accomplish something then when we sit down to do our meditation practices. We won't simply think that there must be something wrong with the Dharma and all these people around me because when i do my practices they don't work. If you find a qualified Lama, and you do your nundro when you sit down to do your meditation and practices you will realize that what he said was really true and more than that, you can see the emptiness of the "selfish people". This is sure to make anyone feel better. If it's not working it doesn't mean in this case that it is broken, it just means that your not doing it right so your in luck as that is so easy to change.
Posted by: yeshe at September 7, 2003 11:34 PMOh Gosh can I erase that?, I just don't want Maria to feel like I just lectured to her, I can't stand when people do that to me so if that sounds like a lecture I am totaly sorry. I grew up in exactly the same way you did to the T. And I am probably the same age as you. I went through totaly everything you just described above and so I know how hard it is being around Dharma communities. My parents were in the same position as yours during the same time period. The center they helped establish was in California. And I remember feeling really hurt as I didn't find the way people treated my father to be very kind or respectful, especialy being that they were buddhists. So i too went the same way in high school and barely graduated with a 2.0. And I took a long break from buddhism until i started having intense panic attacks as life started to seem totaly empty to me like not worth living in someways. So I came back to buddhism afraid of my dispare. I devoted myself intensly and started to feel immediate relief. So then i would slack off and then I'd start to feel anxious again which made me go back into buddhism again and like this I went on for a few years until I realized that there realy is nothing worth living for for me out here, it's only the dharma that truly gives me a sense of depth and lasting happiness. So I started my nundro and many painful things have happened as old layers have been shloffed off but out of that wonderful things have evolved that I never expected. I can only say that I feel so happy now and have been feeling happier and happier everyday. Of course I have shity days and even shity weeks but they don't take me down like they used to. I feel like i totaly owe it to my Dear Lama and my nundro practice which I am doing regularly. I used to really 100% think that my suffering was due to the town I lived in or my husband or my job, but seriously since I have really started to understand buddhism and do my nundro which is so essential to gaining insight I feel totaly blessed everyday to live in this gross city, have this job that at times is so hard and be married. One day I would like to be ordained but for now I see myself as doing my nundro and understanding the basic buddhist teachings and benefitting so tremendously that I just want to let you know that buddhism does really lead to happiness if you devote yourself to it in the right way. And not that you should at all realy, but that i know what you mean and I can relate. And i think your really fortunate to have had that upbringing because if you ever want to go back into it it's all right there. And really all the selfish people will one day look like total gems. I know that sounds really stupid but it's true. And i know how growing up in a dharma center there is no shortage of the selfish people and they are selfish, but oddly enough there selfishness serves as a wonderful purpose, in fact with out them bodhichitta would be impossible and so enlightenment would never happen. Those poor selfish shmucks are really usefull they actually cause you to reach enlightenment one day. Anyway through all this blah blah blah my heart goes out to you.
Posted by: yeshe at September 8, 2003 12:05 AM